Citizens

I imagine it's true that the gay community must define itself, must set itself apart and stake a claim in the public sphere, much as the African American community did during its civil rights struggle. And the forms with which that definition takes on, how the gay community stakes this claim follow in practice and form. But just following form, practicing the same practices is not enough to ensure success.

But one real roadblock, one mountainous challenge exists that I feel has yet to be addressed and may well be proving itself to be a major reason why the issue of civil rights for gay and lesbians can not and will not achieve a valorized station in the public sphere; that is, the greater gay and lesbian community continues, in more cases than not, to demonstrate and provide political spectacle in a way that is un-relatable to the majority of Americans.

While unfortunate, the fact remains that the Gay and Lesbian community PRIDEs itself in how it differs. And while there are wonderful intellectual arguments for any one groups’ right and responsibility to celebrate their uniqueness, the spectacle of flamboyantly pushing sexuality, in any form, is not viewed by those who own the public sphere as normal.

The African American community throughout the depression and into the early days of the Civil Rights Movement were seen by the majority of White America as outsiders. These people characterized in media and film as poor, different, ape like; less-than human. So the thought of extending basic rights, human rights was not so much foreign but rarely even considered. But as the dawn of the Civil Rights Movement crested upon our nation a new light shown upon this community; a light revealing in the media a real human existence. The existence of a God fearing people with lives, families, hopes and dreams not unlike that of White America – the then dominant voice in the public and political sphere. Sans the color of their skin, the African American community demonstrated and provided spectacle showing themselves to be the “same-as” those who already enjoyed Civil Rights.

While the gay and lesbian community desperately wishes to parallel their struggle with that of the African American in the twentieth century they can not do so as long as they do not, on some real level, provide a fundamental foundation that allows the general public to identify with them. Network entertainment has helped to some degree with shows such a Will & Grace and Queer as Folk but still, by showing a very real and sensationalist side of Gay life – the character of the “flamboyant” gay man (Jack - Will & Grace) or the seedy nightlife at Queer as Folks’ Babylon nightclub - miss the mark, especially when they emphasize these aspects of Gay Culture instead of the more normative side of life for many Gay and Lesbians. A real challenge for Gay America but one in which the struggle must come to grips with.

A past aquantience's description of the 2004 fall protest at the Georgia State Capital is an excellent example of how providing the spectacle of family, church, and a more publicly normative gay community helps to silence opposition groups. When those you oppose demonstrate the same values, look the same, and are presented as “normal” members of society, those members of the public who might otherwise disregard the gay and lesbian community’s right to exist, based solely on their inability to identify with them, now begin to see these people not as outsiders but as citizens in a classical Roman sense. That is, as part of their own public and political sphere – Citizens.

GMWAOAMTAIMAANICR

I've put some thoughts together on it all. We as Gay men have a limited population of other Gay men to choose a prospective partner/boyfriend/companion-for-the-even

ing from. The theoreticians will have us believe that 10% (.01) of the population is Gay so we'll start there. 10% of 300,000,000 (population of the US) is 30,000,000. Half of those are lesbians so... 15M Gay men in the US. Of that population how many of you out there are actually out? So let's say that narrows the field to perhaps 7% (.007) of the population (conservatively). Of this number how many of these are you attracted to? Now, this is a subjective number - we each have our own thoughts on attractiveness; our own types. Now for me it's fairly limited. I like white guys - lean, fit, preferably smooth or with little body hair (though that's changing somewhat) - typically late teens to twenty-somethings. So let's now say my number of Gay-men-who-are-out-and-my-type is about half of this number so one half of .007 is .0035 of any available male population, at best.

BUT... what about those guys who are already married, partnered, or otherwise in a committed relationship? Luckily that's a fairly low percentage to whittle off of the total - say 30% . So 70% ending in the percentage of Gay-men-who-are-out-are-my-type-are-into-m

e-and-are-not-in-committed-relationships (GMWAOAMTAIMAANICR) equal to .000245.

So with the male population of the US being 150M or so and GMWAOAMTAIMAANICR at .000245 the target population is now approximately 36,750 men in the entire US. Seems pretty good right? Well, I would really like to date a local guy. Lucky for me I live in Atlanta. So... Atlanta = 5M people so 2.5M men. .000245 of this number is 612.5 guys.

Wow, I'm excited! 612.5 Gay-men-who-are-out-are-my-type-and-are-into-me! Woot! There is always a but though...

This 612 guy population here in Atlanta is cool in terms of hooking up and stuff. But not all of those guys want to hook up and honestly I don't always want to hook up. How many of these guys want a relationship? Or to date? Do I want these things?

So okay, my percentage of possible prospects is at this point just .0035. So I select a cute guy, one from my population, sitting near the bar - What are the chances he's into me? My experience shows that only about 10% of the twenty-something population is into "older guys" - a title I carry proudly. So my percent of Gay-men-who-are-out-are-my-type-and-are-into-me goes down to .00035 of the male population.

Stuff

There are so many things I want to write about but find little strength or ambition to do so. So many topics...

The week with Ricky here in Atlanta was excellent - much to say there... Politics - how disillusioned I am with the blind polarization seemingly everywhere... Hypocrisy - how so many who fight against Gay rights take advantage of the most basic, innate rights won in Lawrence vs Texas... Hate-crimes and hate-crime legislation - how someone can hate someone just because of the color of their skin or who they love... torture - how my own government can imprison and abuse anyone they deem suspicious of terrorism... the "Patriot" act - how my phone calls and emails are no longer private... my career - New York? Chicago? Seattle?... my future - being alone... not being alone...

First Visit

Bouncing along on the train heading home, I realize how lucky I actually am. I mean, I'm not lottery lucky or anything but still, it was a great weekend and the next 11 days can't pass by quick enough for me. Ricky and I really hit it off as we knew we would having begun this weeks and weeks ago while he was in France. And soon I'm to be in France yet I to a small degree wish I were spending that time in Princeton.

Tons of travel on the horizon for me. Back to Atlanta for a software conference tomorrow. Next week I'm in Chicago the 24th-26th for another conference. That Thursday to Sunday (28th-Oct 1st) I'm in NY with Ricky for assorted fun and the Columbia homecoming game. Monday the 2nd I fly from NY to LA to attend yet another software conference, this time in Santa Barbara returning on the red-eye the morning of October 5th. That evening Stacy and I are going to go see the Indigo Girls at the Tabernacle (shall be fun). And then finally on October 6th I leave for Paris for the George Michael concert (and my last merit badge before I become a Gay-scout) by way of London and back again on the 15th. A week at home and then Ricky will be coming to Atlanta the weekend before Halloween. Halloween in Midtown - this too shall be fun.

A pretty intensive month to come :) *note to self: sleeeep*

Where's my soul - Today was a bad day in 1985

I wanted to tell my journal and everyone who may care about something that may well have played a bit into my psyche, something that happened a long time ago to a very special friend.

As most everyone knows, I'm just coming out. And as a few of my friends know, I'm essentially a virgin in terms of being with a guy. I have known of my attraction for guys since I was 11, but only confirmed it when I was 17; and even then not completely. My 17th year was amazing but I've not told the whole story.

The other guy was a friend of mine, a boy like myself who was searching. I've told many that after that one experience we both kind of just drifted away. And there is a small truth to that. I went off to college, he stayed in Naples... and became a call-boy. A gay call-boy.

No judgment on his choices. He was a very attractive young man and a free spirit; a swimmer and surfer like myself. Urged me to do what he was doing. But what makes this story so poignant is that as lucrative and that choice was for him, and exciting as it may have been, he died of an overdose in a beach-side suite. Friday September 6th, 1985

Cycle of the moon brings blood to the woman
In the blood of the woman brings birth of a child
Child grow up
Keep forgetting something
Birth of a child comes someplace while you
Even grey days beat the shade to wean
Unbodied unsouled unheard unseen
Let the gift be grown in the time to call our own
Let the truth be sewn before the windows closing
Truth is natural like a wind that blows
Follow the direction no matter where it goes
So it shall be the earth and the sea
Let the truth blow like a hurricane through me

If I've been cold, if I've spoken in anger, to have been bold, forgive me

Annie got married it didn't come with out tears
like the day you died I have laughter for these years

For Michael - I wonder who and where we would be.

I'm a Nerd

Sitting in LAX late tonight, waiting on a delayed red-eye to Atlanta, it "re-dawns" on me that I'm a Nerd (capital N). I said "re-dawns" because this is certainly not the first time this has entered my psyche.

Here I sit, reading, writing, commenting on various friend's blogs, I realize that being a Nerd, or more accurately having a preclusion to intellectual pursuits, is exactly where I like to be.

If you look around where I live, my neighborhood, it's an entire population of Nerds - Doctor's, Lawyers, Professors, Entrepreneurs, and even an Author. Driving their Nerd-mobiles (BMWs, Mercedes, Jags, Volvos).

I went to my high school reunion recently - 20 years (yikes) and the pride I have of my "Nerdness" took on new confidence. And we all know how it goes. The jocks, cheerleaders, popular kids are in general, still the same. And they marvel at where others of us have gone in life. And that's ok, we need employees :)
________________________

Yes, I am a Nerd. But worse yet, or better yet, I’m a Gay Nerd.

So what does that really mean? Well for one thing, I don’t fit into anyone’s concept of a Gay Man. Not a label whore – I wear jeans and tee shirts. I think more about important issues, politics, and the latest good book.

So as a Nerd, a Gay Nerd just coming out into the world I find myself a drift in a superficial culture that may not be prepared for me, or may misunderstand me.

I’ve opined on what will become of me once I shed the self imposed repression of all of these years (see Midtown-Chris). But in becoming Midtown-Chris, if that’s to be my fate, will I then instead just be repressing my Nerdness? Certainly there is room for both –

Midtown Chris

Do I have a sign on my forehead?

I went to lunch with a friend this week. Venturing into the unknown - we headed deep into the hood - Midtown that is - center of Gay Atlanta.

Nothing like the feeling of having a bumper sticker pasted to your forehead – “Fresh Meat”.

Being the out and coming (coming out) straight guy getting in touch with the truth proved to be a real good time. Even though it was a slow Wednesday on the patio at Joe’s, there was still a nice crowd. And it was nice getting some attention - and looks. But that brings me to the real subject.

What happens to guys when they come out? Approaching this intellectually I want to think that I will come out, find a great guy, and have a long term, mutually rewarding relationship based on love and a deep soulful connection. But is that how it works? I want it too, without question. It’s the plan. But am I more likely, freed from my sexual repression, to dive into the pool – or become “Midtown Chris” (cape and all) as a friend of mine jokes?

Now, I’m no slouch – even at 39. I’m in the best shape of my life; masculine, lean, athletic, smart, successful, well read and a world traveler. (and I have a really nice scooter chair and AARP has a great health plan :) )

I have absolutely no clue how this works but what if Midtown Chris is given just a little bit of attention by the boys at Outwrite, or Einstein’s, or at some techno club I now so snobbishly claim to not be “my scene” – does he become the shirtless dancer-boy up on Ecstasy until 4 in the morning sleeping with whatever twink comes along?

So who knows – if any of you do, shout it out. But it’s not the plan – I hope to have more character than that. Let me know what you think, what you’ve experienced.

Senior Year

It was a very good year 1982/83. Suntans, cars, drinking, drugs, girls, guys… Life was good beyond all expectation. I grew up in a very affluent South Florida community. My parents and most of my friend’s parents were wealthy, by any measure - An upper class existence where everyone at school had a car, many new BMWs and Mercedes, Porches and Corvettes. Boats, planes, weekend trips to Bimini – life was good.

I was the quintessential popular kid. Tall, firm, athletic, rich, friends with the jocks, the preps, the geeks, the freaks, the misfits – and a straight A student.

A good year, the year my girlfriend of 4 months told her family and I that she was 5 months pregnant. The year I choose, without hesitation to claim the child as my own. Step up in public and make that claim, even though this baby was in no way my child. Not many guys would have done it; most would have bolted – even now. But for me it was the right thing to do.

In the superficial world we lived in back then, a teenage mother was not something that would have been accepted; much less one without the responsible father. It’s not as if we lived in the inner city after all – these things did not happen in “Whiteville”. Girls were expected to “take care” of it. Abort.

Not that I’m a Bible banging pro-lifer – I’m not. I’m pro-choice. Life is my choice. And I have no right to pass judgment or my beliefs on anyone else. But it was a hard choice, for a 16 and 17 year old to make and go forward into life.

We both took a lot of crap about this – from teachers, other students, people, in the community. But fuck them.

Why I did it, I don’t know. Does it define me? Without question. And it has driven me to seek answers – why I am the Man I am. Why did I make this very right decision – at a time in life that I was unsure of my self in more ways than one - this was the same time of my first relationship with a boy...

That most beautiful child that we introduced to the many things on this planet, to this life is now introducing a child of her own to the wind, the rain, the laughter and sorrow that is our existence. Had I allowed that child to be aborted I know that I would not be as complete as I am.