I'm writing this here because well, I only have one follower here since moving a lot of my entries over from LiveJournal and I really don't want a bunch of pitty. Perhaps down the road this entry will be important or perhaps mark a moment in time. Who knows.
I've been fighting off some serious headaches for the past 2+ months. And I don't get headaches. We're talking about a searing white hot bolt of lightning centered on the right side of my head that at times can drop me to my knees and others wake me from a dead sleep. And the strange part is they rarely last more than a few minutes with the longest lasting a few hours.
I don't have health insurance and between my fledgling business and basic existence every cent I have is spoken for. What few prescriptions I have are long exhausted and I hadn't been to the doctors in over a year. Doctors cost money and it just didn't seem like a good use of limited resources.
Short end of it is I finally called my doctor to get a refill on a blood pressure med he had prescribed for me a while back. I had some borderline BP issues and he thought it would be a good idea - one of the scripts I let lag. Having not been to see my doctor in over a year he asked that I come in for a visit. Elevated BP can certainly cause headaches and if nothing else I would get back on that script. Two weeks and $210 later ($110 just for the visit, $80 for an HIV screen - negative, $20 script) here I sit, still having these crazy headaches and with no options.
I pretty much had one of the worst events this evening prompting me to write this entry.
So what next? I'm just a guy making his way in a world where it appears I've fallen through the health care cracks. Starting to worry about what may be causing these events as I like to call them. Attacks sound so premeditated. But if the doctor's visit is $110 just to walk in the door I wonder what a CAT Scan might cost.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Thunder
Thunder has begun to echo off of the hills tonight and I want to write about it. Something inspiring. I want to talk about the cold damp air, the mist as it hangs between the houses and frames the streetlights in weary halos. The dogwood blossoms optimistically facing upwards, pelted by the random raindrops as the storm moves in.
But nothing will come; The words just won't come.
I use to rail in frustration just months ago as the inspiration, the ability to write fled from me; now I just rail at the antipathy I feel towards it all.
Where the words once would flow so fast from my mind, thought after thought in perfect order, I now am just determined, no not determined - resigned to simply flail words on the page in hopes of somehow piecing my thoughts together.
But nothing will come; The words just won't come.
I use to rail in frustration just months ago as the inspiration, the ability to write fled from me; now I just rail at the antipathy I feel towards it all.
Where the words once would flow so fast from my mind, thought after thought in perfect order, I now am just determined, no not determined - resigned to simply flail words on the page in hopes of somehow piecing my thoughts together.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
And So It Goes
I just watched Brokeback Mountain again. I can still remember the first time I saw it with my LJ buddy Mark. We met up in San Francisco the weekend it came out.
I hate that movie. I mean, I like it but hate it at the same time. It's the last scene where Heath Ledger's character is all alone in his tiny little place - all alone. I feel the way my life has gone this past few years that last scene might just be mine.
_______________________________
I've been dealing with depression lately. Sleeping 12-14 hours a day, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. So much going on but so much not happening; job hunt, trying to earn a living on the side, the economy not helping either... and being alone.
_______________________________
I've been self destructive when it comes to the relationship thing. I just keep pushing guys away. And maybe that's good. I don't seem to attract the best sort. Or maybe I just have higher standards for myself. A lot of coke heads; one guy who is into meth, or guys who just want to fuck. But a few were/are really amazing and again I'm on the brink of pushing a couple more away. I rationalize that I don't want to put some guy in the middle of this mess I call my life. But that's self destructive. It may also be just me protecting my heart.
_______________________________
I need to get out and mingle. I need to quit keeping these guys at arm's length.
I hate that movie. I mean, I like it but hate it at the same time. It's the last scene where Heath Ledger's character is all alone in his tiny little place - all alone. I feel the way my life has gone this past few years that last scene might just be mine.
I've been dealing with depression lately. Sleeping 12-14 hours a day, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. So much going on but so much not happening; job hunt, trying to earn a living on the side, the economy not helping either... and being alone.
I've been self destructive when it comes to the relationship thing. I just keep pushing guys away. And maybe that's good. I don't seem to attract the best sort. Or maybe I just have higher standards for myself. A lot of coke heads; one guy who is into meth, or guys who just want to fuck. But a few were/are really amazing and again I'm on the brink of pushing a couple more away. I rationalize that I don't want to put some guy in the middle of this mess I call my life. But that's self destructive. It may also be just me protecting my heart.
I need to get out and mingle. I need to quit keeping these guys at arm's length.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Citizens
I imagine it's true that the gay community must define itself, must set itself apart and stake a claim in the public sphere, much as the African American community did during its civil rights struggle. And the forms with which that definition takes on, how the gay community stakes this claim follow in practice and form. But just following form, practicing the same practices is not enough to ensure success.
But one real roadblock, one mountainous challenge exists that I feel has yet to be addressed and may well be proving itself to be a major reason why the issue of civil rights for gay and lesbians can not and will not achieve a valorized station in the public sphere; that is, the greater gay and lesbian community continues, in more cases than not, to demonstrate and provide political spectacle in a way that is un-relatable to the majority of Americans.
While unfortunate, the fact remains that the Gay and Lesbian community PRIDEs itself in how it differs. And while there are wonderful intellectual arguments for any one groups’ right and responsibility to celebrate their uniqueness, the spectacle of flamboyantly pushing sexuality, in any form, is not viewed by those who own the public sphere as normal.
The African American community throughout the depression and into the early days of the Civil Rights Movement were seen by the majority of White America as outsiders. These people characterized in media and film as poor, different, ape like; less-than human. So the thought of extending basic rights, human rights was not so much foreign but rarely even considered. But as the dawn of the Civil Rights Movement crested upon our nation a new light shown upon this community; a light revealing in the media a real human existence. The existence of a God fearing people with lives, families, hopes and dreams not unlike that of White America – the then dominant voice in the public and political sphere. Sans the color of their skin, the African American community demonstrated and provided spectacle showing themselves to be the “same-as” those who already enjoyed Civil Rights.
While the gay and lesbian community desperately wishes to parallel their struggle with that of the African American in the twentieth century they can not do so as long as they do not, on some real level, provide a fundamental foundation that allows the general public to identify with them. Network entertainment has helped to some degree with shows such a Will & Grace and Queer as Folk but still, by showing a very real and sensationalist side of Gay life – the character of the “flamboyant” gay man (Jack - Will & Grace) or the seedy nightlife at Queer as Folks’ Babylon nightclub - miss the mark, especially when they emphasize these aspects of Gay Culture instead of the more normative side of life for many Gay and Lesbians. A real challenge for Gay America but one in which the struggle must come to grips with.
A past aquantience's description of the 2004 fall protest at the Georgia State Capital is an excellent example of how providing the spectacle of family, church, and a more publicly normative gay community helps to silence opposition groups. When those you oppose demonstrate the same values, look the same, and are presented as “normal” members of society, those members of the public who might otherwise disregard the gay and lesbian community’s right to exist, based solely on their inability to identify with them, now begin to see these people not as outsiders but as citizens in a classical Roman sense. That is, as part of their own public and political sphere – Citizens.
But one real roadblock, one mountainous challenge exists that I feel has yet to be addressed and may well be proving itself to be a major reason why the issue of civil rights for gay and lesbians can not and will not achieve a valorized station in the public sphere; that is, the greater gay and lesbian community continues, in more cases than not, to demonstrate and provide political spectacle in a way that is un-relatable to the majority of Americans.
While unfortunate, the fact remains that the Gay and Lesbian community PRIDEs itself in how it differs. And while there are wonderful intellectual arguments for any one groups’ right and responsibility to celebrate their uniqueness, the spectacle of flamboyantly pushing sexuality, in any form, is not viewed by those who own the public sphere as normal.
The African American community throughout the depression and into the early days of the Civil Rights Movement were seen by the majority of White America as outsiders. These people characterized in media and film as poor, different, ape like; less-than human. So the thought of extending basic rights, human rights was not so much foreign but rarely even considered. But as the dawn of the Civil Rights Movement crested upon our nation a new light shown upon this community; a light revealing in the media a real human existence. The existence of a God fearing people with lives, families, hopes and dreams not unlike that of White America – the then dominant voice in the public and political sphere. Sans the color of their skin, the African American community demonstrated and provided spectacle showing themselves to be the “same-as” those who already enjoyed Civil Rights.
While the gay and lesbian community desperately wishes to parallel their struggle with that of the African American in the twentieth century they can not do so as long as they do not, on some real level, provide a fundamental foundation that allows the general public to identify with them. Network entertainment has helped to some degree with shows such a Will & Grace and Queer as Folk but still, by showing a very real and sensationalist side of Gay life – the character of the “flamboyant” gay man (Jack - Will & Grace) or the seedy nightlife at Queer as Folks’ Babylon nightclub - miss the mark, especially when they emphasize these aspects of Gay Culture instead of the more normative side of life for many Gay and Lesbians. A real challenge for Gay America but one in which the struggle must come to grips with.
A past aquantience's description of the 2004 fall protest at the Georgia State Capital is an excellent example of how providing the spectacle of family, church, and a more publicly normative gay community helps to silence opposition groups. When those you oppose demonstrate the same values, look the same, and are presented as “normal” members of society, those members of the public who might otherwise disregard the gay and lesbian community’s right to exist, based solely on their inability to identify with them, now begin to see these people not as outsiders but as citizens in a classical Roman sense. That is, as part of their own public and political sphere – Citizens.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Be romantically self destructive with me
pablo : :
Lets become destructively innocent together
lets break each other's hearts
let's kiss our lips dry until the dawn
let's fall asleep in each other's arms
Picasso once said
"What's the point of doing anything
if you only know how it's gonna end up?"
Picasso the painted puts us in our place
Be romantically self destructive with me
Let's pretend we really know each other
Let's pretend that we're not just doing this for ourselves
Don't you know that you're the most important person in your life
Be romantically self destructive with me
Don't think too hard tonight
Don't feel any guilt by holding me
Don't overanalyze the situation
Picasso is right
Lets become destructively innocent together
lets break each other's hearts
let's kiss our lips dry until the dawn
let's fall asleep in each other's arms
Picasso once said
"What's the point of doing anything
if you only know how it's gonna end up?"
Picasso the painted puts us in our place
Be romantically self destructive with me
Let's pretend we really know each other
Let's pretend that we're not just doing this for ourselves
Don't you know that you're the most important person in your life
Be romantically self destructive with me
Don't think too hard tonight
Don't feel any guilt by holding me
Don't overanalyze the situation
Picasso is right
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Adeo sic velox
rushing forward at the speed of light
fleeting, feeling the warmth of the sun
hurling earthward, spiraling to my doom
i am Icarus
fleeting, feeling the warmth of the sun
hurling earthward, spiraling to my doom
i am Icarus
Thursday, December 13, 2007
What I've been up to
So I've been on sabbatical for the last 6 months or so and honestly it's been amazing. I'm very centered and happy and have been busier now than I was before. not sure how that works but it's how it is.
So anyway, I've gotten into doing short films and filming some of my friends who do drag. If you are interested go check out my YouTube channel at Christopher Scott's YouTube.
So anyway, I've gotten into doing short films and filming some of my friends who do drag. If you are interested go check out my YouTube channel at Christopher Scott's YouTube.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
GMWAOAMTAIMAANICR
I've put some thoughts together on it all. We as Gay men have a limited population of other Gay men to choose a prospective partner/boyfriend/companion-for-the-evenBUT... what about those guys who are already married, partnered, or otherwise in a committed relationship? Luckily that's a fairly low percentage to whittle off of the total - say 30% . So 70% ending in the percentage of Gay-men-who-are-out-are-my-type-are-into-m
So with the male population of the US being 150M or so and GMWAOAMTAIMAANICR at .000245 the target population is now approximately 36,750 men in the entire US. Seems pretty good right? Well, I would really like to date a local guy. Lucky for me I live in Atlanta. So... Atlanta = 5M people so 2.5M men. .000245 of this number is 612.5 guys.
Wow, I'm excited! 612.5 Gay-men-who-are-out-are-my-type-and-are-i
This 612 guy population here in Atlanta is cool in terms of hooking up and stuff. But not all of those guys want to hook up and honestly I don't always want to hook up. How many of these guys want a relationship? Or to date? Do I want these things?
So okay, my percentage of possible prospects is at this point just .0035. So I select a cute guy, one from my population, sitting near the bar - What are the chances he's into me? My experience shows that only about 10% of the twenty-something population is into "older guys" - a title I carry proudly. So my percent of Gay-men-who-are-out-are-my-type-and-are-i
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Something about me
I’m 41 years old. Well, 42 this summer but as a gay man I’m holding onto 41 as long as possible. Or was that 24? Yes, 24. What an amazing age that seems to be.
I don’t remember much of 24 anymore and it’s not from some early form of senility, though some might argue otherwise. It seems more from the fact that 24 is not just 18, um 17 years ago but a whole life away. A straight life; a life with a wife, two daughters, a dog, a cat, some gold fish, car payments, a mortgage, and working the 9 to 5 in not so shinny black dress shoes and all too often a tie.
I was never truly that person. It was the expected thing. It was the normal thing. It was safe.
Safe. So much focus there for me; perhaps for us all. It was 1974 when I discovered my sexuality and fully nine years later before I accepted it internally. 1983, Fag, Gay-Cancer, AIDS, Expectations. There was a lot to feel safe about deeply stowed away behind my white picket fence and my two weeks of summer vacation.
The early 80’s and it’s realization that AIDS was real, here, and not going away was a scary time for many – unless you were straight. Oh, and not a heroin addict. Well, I hated needles anyway, how hard is it to set aside this inner self. This anomaly of life; I’m sure all men feel this way, have this attraction. Right? It natural. You’re okay, you’re straight; safe – I’m safe.
Safe. I hate that word now. I want to jump out of airplanes, ride motorcycles, dance until 5 am on a Wednesday, buy day-old bread, color outside the lines. I want to be… me - or who I would have been.
I have a boyhood friend - actually my first lover - who, at age 18 died face down in the living room of some rented beach-front condo in South Florida. Heroin and cocaine. An overdose. A party gone wrong. Maybe it was a hookup. Maybe it was a trick. It’s unclear. But for me it was the clincher. That was me; or would have been if I was out and in the scene. I never had a chance to say goodbye. I guess that’s the way it always is. I never told him how much his laughter lightened my heart. I was off at college with a girlfriend and a 1 year old daughter back home. The clincher; AIDS, drugs, sex - he was gone and I was - safe.
I told my wife and family I was gay in the fall of 2005 shortly after my 40th birthday. Lots of support from several new gay friends I had made in Atlanta. A real family I was to discover. My real family took the news with mixed reviews. My wife was devastated and I became devastated by the pain I was causing my family. My daughter of 24 still does not accept this choice. My then wife and I raised our children fairly agnostically and I am happy that my oldest daughter developed her spiritual and religious beliefs outside of parental socialization. But that must certainly make a lot of this harder for her as a newly initiated Christian in the south. And I’m okay with that. My youngest daughter is a lesbian but I think she may have internally taken this even harder because of that. I was still her father, should be married to her mother, and should be there with them. But she must at the same time support me as gay. I can’t even imagine how that works psychologically, emotionally for her. The dog and the cats took it well though so I did have support there.
Family. Compared to the straight community the GLBT community is close; family close. So we’re family I guess. Maybe that’s because our own families have often rejected us or at best just don’t understand or maybe just don't want to talk about it. Maybe it’s the social stigma that is placed upon us, or the popularity of publicly discriminating against gays. Regardless, every day I am thankful I have this new family (catty as it may be sometimes ;-)
As a newly-out male I found that being invited to family gatherings like trivia at Joe’s or a campy drag show at Blake’s became my outlet; my salvation. The summer before I came out I’d often spend afternoons working from some Midtown coffee house just so I could be close to the gayborhood - close to an open and accepted community as is perhaps possible in the south. Certainly as close as it gets in the red-state of Georgia. Here was a comfort, a level of acceptance I had truly never experienced nor expected before. Here there were people, students, professionals, musicians, teachers, cooks, bar tenders - all variety of people who were like me or, even better, were unlike me but saw me as just another person; one of them, who I was. Comfortable.
I met new people and made more friends. Expanded my circle of support while working through the challenges ahead if, wait – when I came out. It was certain now. I had hidden myself behind my shield too long. Safety came from within, not from without and I knew - I knew.
So I suppose that is the short version. My life from then until now. I'll see if I can dig up some older journals and repost them if there is any interest.
I don’t remember much of 24 anymore and it’s not from some early form of senility, though some might argue otherwise. It seems more from the fact that 24 is not just 18, um 17 years ago but a whole life away. A straight life; a life with a wife, two daughters, a dog, a cat, some gold fish, car payments, a mortgage, and working the 9 to 5 in not so shinny black dress shoes and all too often a tie.
I was never truly that person. It was the expected thing. It was the normal thing. It was safe.
Safe. So much focus there for me; perhaps for us all. It was 1974 when I discovered my sexuality and fully nine years later before I accepted it internally. 1983, Fag, Gay-Cancer, AIDS, Expectations. There was a lot to feel safe about deeply stowed away behind my white picket fence and my two weeks of summer vacation.
The early 80’s and it’s realization that AIDS was real, here, and not going away was a scary time for many – unless you were straight. Oh, and not a heroin addict. Well, I hated needles anyway, how hard is it to set aside this inner self. This anomaly of life; I’m sure all men feel this way, have this attraction. Right? It natural. You’re okay, you’re straight; safe – I’m safe.
Safe. I hate that word now. I want to jump out of airplanes, ride motorcycles, dance until 5 am on a Wednesday, buy day-old bread, color outside the lines. I want to be… me - or who I would have been.
I have a boyhood friend - actually my first lover - who, at age 18 died face down in the living room of some rented beach-front condo in South Florida. Heroin and cocaine. An overdose. A party gone wrong. Maybe it was a hookup. Maybe it was a trick. It’s unclear. But for me it was the clincher. That was me; or would have been if I was out and in the scene. I never had a chance to say goodbye. I guess that’s the way it always is. I never told him how much his laughter lightened my heart. I was off at college with a girlfriend and a 1 year old daughter back home. The clincher; AIDS, drugs, sex - he was gone and I was - safe.
I told my wife and family I was gay in the fall of 2005 shortly after my 40th birthday. Lots of support from several new gay friends I had made in Atlanta. A real family I was to discover. My real family took the news with mixed reviews. My wife was devastated and I became devastated by the pain I was causing my family. My daughter of 24 still does not accept this choice. My then wife and I raised our children fairly agnostically and I am happy that my oldest daughter developed her spiritual and religious beliefs outside of parental socialization. But that must certainly make a lot of this harder for her as a newly initiated Christian in the south. And I’m okay with that. My youngest daughter is a lesbian but I think she may have internally taken this even harder because of that. I was still her father, should be married to her mother, and should be there with them. But she must at the same time support me as gay. I can’t even imagine how that works psychologically, emotionally for her. The dog and the cats took it well though so I did have support there.
Family. Compared to the straight community the GLBT community is close; family close. So we’re family I guess. Maybe that’s because our own families have often rejected us or at best just don’t understand or maybe just don't want to talk about it. Maybe it’s the social stigma that is placed upon us, or the popularity of publicly discriminating against gays. Regardless, every day I am thankful I have this new family (catty as it may be sometimes ;-)
As a newly-out male I found that being invited to family gatherings like trivia at Joe’s or a campy drag show at Blake’s became my outlet; my salvation. The summer before I came out I’d often spend afternoons working from some Midtown coffee house just so I could be close to the gayborhood - close to an open and accepted community as is perhaps possible in the south. Certainly as close as it gets in the red-state of Georgia. Here was a comfort, a level of acceptance I had truly never experienced nor expected before. Here there were people, students, professionals, musicians, teachers, cooks, bar tenders - all variety of people who were like me or, even better, were unlike me but saw me as just another person; one of them, who I was. Comfortable.
I met new people and made more friends. Expanded my circle of support while working through the challenges ahead if, wait – when I came out. It was certain now. I had hidden myself behind my shield too long. Safety came from within, not from without and I knew - I knew.
So I suppose that is the short version. My life from then until now. I'll see if I can dig up some older journals and repost them if there is any interest.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Summer Wanderings
On the life front I'm going to take the summer off sabbatical style. As I've been told more than once I've some soul searching and general issues to be resolved and I can't agree more. Life has given me a chance to take some time off and I have the means and the ability so why not. I just hope some cool new opportunity doesn't present itself too soon.
So the plan is to travel. It's about the only thing I can say with some level of confidence that I'm good at doing. All of these years though I've rarely traveled for me, rarely traveled and enjoyed where I am.
Mostly I'll pack the pickup with tent/sleeping bag/misc stuff, strap on (easy boys) the kayak/surf board/bike and hit the road.
Pride in Atlanta in late June - can't miss that. July in Alaska I'm thinking (not driving but fly in). I have never felt so centered as I am when I'm in Valdez on the edge of the Chugach. Back to the east coast to where ever my truck is and then I'd like to head up to the Canadian Maritimes and take in the highland games in Antigonish Nova Scotia in late July. August will find me where ever - a bit of hurricane chasing up the East Coast would be amazing. It's been since high school and it's an wondrous thing, truly.
If I can fit in just half of it all. Alaska is on the mind for now.
So the plan is to travel. It's about the only thing I can say with some level of confidence that I'm good at doing. All of these years though I've rarely traveled for me, rarely traveled and enjoyed where I am.
Mostly I'll pack the pickup with tent/sleeping bag/misc stuff, strap on (easy boys) the kayak/surf board/bike and hit the road.
Pride in Atlanta in late June - can't miss that. July in Alaska I'm thinking (not driving but fly in). I have never felt so centered as I am when I'm in Valdez on the edge of the Chugach. Back to the east coast to where ever my truck is and then I'd like to head up to the Canadian Maritimes and take in the highland games in Antigonish Nova Scotia in late July. August will find me where ever - a bit of hurricane chasing up the East Coast would be amazing. It's been since high school and it's an wondrous thing, truly.
If I can fit in just half of it all. Alaska is on the mind for now.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Princeton University: Making the handicapped work for it every inch of the way....
Okay folks, it's not like I'm a bleeding heart liberal or anything like that. On the contrary I seem to be more of a libertarian - personal responsibility, make your own way, earn it and so forth - that sort of thing. That having been said I do believe in providing for those members of our society who perhaps are not as fortunate as I am.
As the following pictures will show apparently Princeton University feels the same way albeit with a bit more emphasis on the "make your own way / earn it" side of the equation.
Just attending classes for some would seem to be a challenge on this campus ;-)
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Weekend in the Blue Wilderness
It's 11:10 PM on Sunday night - the last night of the Thanksgiving weekend and I'm hunkering down in the Starbucks on Nassau Street in Princeton. In my caffeine induced state I'm procrastinating on going through my work emails while Ricky studies. I'm wiped-out. This mono thing still has it's claws in me - and certainly my flitting around the East Coast this holiday has not helped. I've been averaging 10 hours of sleep, even while on holiday and I'm still out of it. Sleeping late up here and then home tomorrow night. Caffeine is my God right now. I'm so freaken tired yet amusingly awake from two triple grande lattes (six espresso over-priced yet addictive shots to the uninitiated).
The weekend of meeting the family went especially well. Northern Vermont is beautiful - beyond my expectations. We rented a car at Newark and Hertz upgraded me to a Range Rover which has been fun. Ricky's family (Uncle(s)/Aunt(s) and Parents) live in and amongst some of the prettiest environs I can imagine. Add to that their progressive politics and you can imagine how unique an experience this is/was for me. Strange to be so accepted and welcomed by a boyfriend's parents and extended family. With no apparent preconceptions either. His dad and I watched football, basketball, talked hunting and cars while another moment may have found me playing cards with his Grandmother and Aunts (no pussy games; Poker, for cash).
Sort of crashing out now so I'll add more to my journal later.
Later.
The weekend of meeting the family went especially well. Northern Vermont is beautiful - beyond my expectations. We rented a car at Newark and Hertz upgraded me to a Range Rover which has been fun. Ricky's family (Uncle(s)/Aunt(s) and Parents) live in and amongst some of the prettiest environs I can imagine. Add to that their progressive politics and you can imagine how unique an experience this is/was for me. Strange to be so accepted and welcomed by a boyfriend's parents and extended family. With no apparent preconceptions either. His dad and I watched football, basketball, talked hunting and cars while another moment may have found me playing cards with his Grandmother and Aunts (no pussy games; Poker, for cash).
Sort of crashing out now so I'll add more to my journal later.
Later.
Monday, November 13, 2006
This so bothers me...
So I found out today that my oldest daughter, Kimberly, has been telling people she would not leave my grandson alone with me because I'm Gay.
That's right - WTF. The implications are staggering. Publicly her rational is that she does not want me influencing him - a 20 month old. Like I'm going to indoctrinate him somehow - you know, show him the recruiting film and all of the brochures...
This so bothers me. I can not describe the pain here. And she was just bitching to my ex that I don't spend time with her like I do Kristen. Oh really? As if I didn't already know that she didn't accept me - now.... And what burns me most is that she is just sooo nice and friendly when we are together. It feels so two-faced.
This so bothers me.
That's right - WTF. The implications are staggering. Publicly her rational is that she does not want me influencing him - a 20 month old. Like I'm going to indoctrinate him somehow - you know, show him the recruiting film and all of the brochures...
This so bothers me. I can not describe the pain here. And she was just bitching to my ex that I don't spend time with her like I do Kristen. Oh really? As if I didn't already know that she didn't accept me - now.... And what burns me most is that she is just sooo nice and friendly when we are together. It feels so two-faced.
This so bothers me.
Saturday, November 4, 2006
Stuff
There are so many things I want to write about but find little strength or ambition to do so. So many topics...
The week with Ricky here in Atlanta was excellent - much to say there... Politics - how disillusioned I am with the blind polarization seemingly everywhere... Hypocrisy - how so many who fight against Gay rights take advantage of the most basic, innate rights won in Lawrence vs Texas... Hate-crimes and hate-crime legislation - how someone can hate someone just because of the color of their skin or who they love... torture - how my own government can imprison and abuse anyone they deem suspicious of terrorism... the "Patriot" act - how my phone calls and emails are no longer private... my career - New York? Chicago? Seattle?... my future - being alone... not being alone...
The week with Ricky here in Atlanta was excellent - much to say there... Politics - how disillusioned I am with the blind polarization seemingly everywhere... Hypocrisy - how so many who fight against Gay rights take advantage of the most basic, innate rights won in Lawrence vs Texas... Hate-crimes and hate-crime legislation - how someone can hate someone just because of the color of their skin or who they love... torture - how my own government can imprison and abuse anyone they deem suspicious of terrorism... the "Patriot" act - how my phone calls and emails are no longer private... my career - New York? Chicago? Seattle?... my future - being alone... not being alone...
Monday, October 23, 2006
Paris etc travel log
It's been a while since I updated my journal properly so I figured I would give it a go. So much has happened since last I posted.
October 6th - 16th
HiC and I met up in London on the 6th of October and hopped the EuroRail to Paris. That same night we participated, all night long, in Nuit Blanche - a cultural and arts festival scattered all over Paris running straight through to the morning. We rented an apartment in Paris through Thursday instead of a Hotel room and by far that is the way to go. It was right on the edge of the 4th district (arrondissement) on rue de Rivoli which allowed us to shop and be festive at just about at any hour. The main reason for the trip was to see the sold-out George Michal concert for which we had scored seriously nice tickets. The concert was actually quite good. If he comes to the US I would likely go see him again - how Gay is that?
Thursday we headed out south of Paris to a Guest-house and enjoyed the company of several new friends. The house is an old, yet very large, French Country house that has facilities for up to 24 guests. Nice and quite during the day and lots of fun at night. I recommend going if you are ever to spend time in and around Paris. Fred, one of the co-owners, is an amazing chef and the meals we were served could easily have been plated at any up-scaled French restaurant. Well worth the 75 Euros per night (which included 3 meals a day and all the wine lunch and dinner we could stand). While there we went off with one couple and toured around a bit near the demarcation between northern and southern France. We visited several Mid-evil churches and even one from the 9th century that pre-dated the country of France itself.
Back to London on Saturday to meet up with Jeff, HiC's Partner, doing the tourist thing Sunday including a tour of the London Bridge Dungeons and the remainder of the day at the Tate Modern Museum. Sunday evening Jeff and HiC managed to score reservations to Jamie Oliver's (The Naked Chef) restaurant Fifteen in Huxton. (Note the Trivia on the Wiki entry if you follow the link - classic politicians all partisianship aside). Jokes about English cooking aside, this place was very good. Even in light of our week in France. Stiff competition indeed.
It was nice to get home again Monday. The 10 hour flight from Gatwick to Atlanta went quickly as I slept at least 8 hours of the flight missing the business class meal and all of the other goodies. That's okay, All I was looking for was a comfortable place to crash the hours away which I received in spades.
October 20th - 23rd
Friday of last week could not come quickly enough for me. Even though my house is trashed from being just a trampoline point between travels for 6 weeks (mail and newspapers stacked up) I was excited to leave again; this time for Providence Rhode Island to visit Ricky. We had been apart for 23 days (tough life, I know) but it seemed worse due to the time zone difference between Europe and the East Coast. Rhode Island was a major event for me in that it was time to meet the best friends (twins) and potentially a few family members (eek! ;-) I survived and we had a wonderful time for sure. Unfortunately we were too busy partying and such with the friends (Heather and Heidi) that we didn't get the chance. The fact we also didn't have our own car played some into it too - but we can take the blame and say we were just too busy. Sunday we were to take the "quick trip" from Rhode Island to Newark and train down to Princeton. I emphasize "quick trip" because even though our flight was scheduled for 1PM we didn't get home to Princeton until 8 PM or so. In hind-sight taking the Train all the way would have been faster, and more relaxing. Traveling, especially by air, is not always fun.
Waking Monday in the AM I had to haul myself down to the Princeton train station at 5 AM to catch my train into the City (or near there abouts - Newark). It was interesting to see the crowds of commuters - people watching is a sport after all.
So I'm home again and off to Mom's for dinner tonight. Trivia Tuesday for sure and then Ricky comes Thursday for a week where we will be celebrating Halloween in Midtown and staying at a Bed and Breakfast near the park.
Well, that's all for now. I'm sure life will present new and unusual twists soon enough and I'll be back in this editor thinking it all through.
October 6th - 16th
HiC and I met up in London on the 6th of October and hopped the EuroRail to Paris. That same night we participated, all night long, in Nuit Blanche - a cultural and arts festival scattered all over Paris running straight through to the morning. We rented an apartment in Paris through Thursday instead of a Hotel room and by far that is the way to go. It was right on the edge of the 4th district (arrondissement) on rue de Rivoli which allowed us to shop and be festive at just about at any hour. The main reason for the trip was to see the sold-out George Michal concert for which we had scored seriously nice tickets. The concert was actually quite good. If he comes to the US I would likely go see him again - how Gay is that?
Thursday we headed out south of Paris to a Guest-house and enjoyed the company of several new friends. The house is an old, yet very large, French Country house that has facilities for up to 24 guests. Nice and quite during the day and lots of fun at night. I recommend going if you are ever to spend time in and around Paris. Fred, one of the co-owners, is an amazing chef and the meals we were served could easily have been plated at any up-scaled French restaurant. Well worth the 75 Euros per night (which included 3 meals a day and all the wine lunch and dinner we could stand). While there we went off with one couple and toured around a bit near the demarcation between northern and southern France. We visited several Mid-evil churches and even one from the 9th century that pre-dated the country of France itself.
Back to London on Saturday to meet up with Jeff, HiC's Partner, doing the tourist thing Sunday including a tour of the London Bridge Dungeons and the remainder of the day at the Tate Modern Museum. Sunday evening Jeff and HiC managed to score reservations to Jamie Oliver's (The Naked Chef) restaurant Fifteen in Huxton. (Note the Trivia on the Wiki entry if you follow the link - classic politicians all partisianship aside). Jokes about English cooking aside, this place was very good. Even in light of our week in France. Stiff competition indeed.
It was nice to get home again Monday. The 10 hour flight from Gatwick to Atlanta went quickly as I slept at least 8 hours of the flight missing the business class meal and all of the other goodies. That's okay, All I was looking for was a comfortable place to crash the hours away which I received in spades.
October 20th - 23rd
Friday of last week could not come quickly enough for me. Even though my house is trashed from being just a trampoline point between travels for 6 weeks (mail and newspapers stacked up) I was excited to leave again; this time for Providence Rhode Island to visit Ricky. We had been apart for 23 days (tough life, I know) but it seemed worse due to the time zone difference between Europe and the East Coast. Rhode Island was a major event for me in that it was time to meet the best friends (twins) and potentially a few family members (eek! ;-) I survived and we had a wonderful time for sure. Unfortunately we were too busy partying and such with the friends (Heather and Heidi) that we didn't get the chance. The fact we also didn't have our own car played some into it too - but we can take the blame and say we were just too busy. Sunday we were to take the "quick trip" from Rhode Island to Newark and train down to Princeton. I emphasize "quick trip" because even though our flight was scheduled for 1PM we didn't get home to Princeton until 8 PM or so. In hind-sight taking the Train all the way would have been faster, and more relaxing. Traveling, especially by air, is not always fun.
Waking Monday in the AM I had to haul myself down to the Princeton train station at 5 AM to catch my train into the City (or near there abouts - Newark). It was interesting to see the crowds of commuters - people watching is a sport after all.
So I'm home again and off to Mom's for dinner tonight. Trivia Tuesday for sure and then Ricky comes Thursday for a week where we will be celebrating Halloween in Midtown and staying at a Bed and Breakfast near the park.
Well, that's all for now. I'm sure life will present new and unusual twists soon enough and I'll be back in this editor thinking it all through.
Monday, October 9, 2006
Paris
After an overnight flight into London, a train to Paris, then an all night party (Nuit Blanche) I crashed hard today (Sunday) and slept 18 hours - yikes! I guess all of the travel preceding contributed big. I feel great now and back to bed soon but wanted to post and say hello to everyone.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Live from New York
Sitting in Starbucks on the upper west side a few blocks south of Columbia University. Ricky's working on his Anthropology stuff, I'm working at nothing much at all. It's good.
We didn't make it to the game today though we spent a bit of time on campus yesterday. We're on our way to Ricky's fraternities homecoming party which shall be fun I am sure. Pirates of course, never Ninjas.
The hotel my travel agent hoked us up with is on 54th near Broadway - so not too far from Times Square and all of the touristy stuff - though we've typically stayed clear of that.
______________________
An interesting thing happened Thursday. A recruiter called and pitched me on a position with her client's firm - Director of Professional Services for a major ERP software company. Based in NYC. This is without question what I currently do and I have about double their experience requirements :-) Shall be interesting...
______________________
My divorce settlement is final. I was able to trade Laurie a pile of assets for the alimony so I'm pretty much a free man in those terms. I also set up an educational trust for Kristen so regardless of what happens to me, or where I'll find myself, she is taken care of. So all in all, life is truly starting anew, albeit with some really excellent advantages. A smart-funny-cute boyfriend, my kids, a great relationship with the ex, and nothing holding me back.
We didn't make it to the game today though we spent a bit of time on campus yesterday. We're on our way to Ricky's fraternities homecoming party which shall be fun I am sure. Pirates of course, never Ninjas.
The hotel my travel agent hoked us up with is on 54th near Broadway - so not too far from Times Square and all of the touristy stuff - though we've typically stayed clear of that.
______________________
An interesting thing happened Thursday. A recruiter called and pitched me on a position with her client's firm - Director of Professional Services for a major ERP software company. Based in NYC. This is without question what I currently do and I have about double their experience requirements :-) Shall be interesting...
______________________
My divorce settlement is final. I was able to trade Laurie a pile of assets for the alimony so I'm pretty much a free man in those terms. I also set up an educational trust for Kristen so regardless of what happens to me, or where I'll find myself, she is taken care of. So all in all, life is truly starting anew, albeit with some really excellent advantages. A smart-funny-cute boyfriend, my kids, a great relationship with the ex, and nothing holding me back.
Friday, September 22, 2006
I want to Dance
I want to dance. I want to slow dance until the early hours of the morning.
I want to wake. I want to wake on a beach at sunrise, walk hand in hand, and share the cool comfortable sheets of an overstuffed bed for the remains of the day.
I want to walk. I want to walk through a New England wood deep in fall color, the crisp breeze bringing our hands together, our bodies closer as we smile.
I want to sit. I want to sit by a fire on a snowy day, as one, drawn to our books, to each other, to our lives.
I want to live. I want to live by the sea where the sun shines warm and the waves crash among us as we play.
I want to dance.
I want to wake. I want to wake on a beach at sunrise, walk hand in hand, and share the cool comfortable sheets of an overstuffed bed for the remains of the day.
I want to walk. I want to walk through a New England wood deep in fall color, the crisp breeze bringing our hands together, our bodies closer as we smile.
I want to sit. I want to sit by a fire on a snowy day, as one, drawn to our books, to each other, to our lives.
I want to live. I want to live by the sea where the sun shines warm and the waves crash among us as we play.
I want to dance.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
First Visit
Bouncing along on the train heading home, I realize how lucky I actually am. I mean, I'm not lottery lucky or anything but still, it was a great weekend and the next 11 days can't pass by quick enough for me. Ricky and I really hit it off as we knew we would having begun this weeks and weeks ago while he was in France. And soon I'm to be in France yet I to a small degree wish I were spending that time in Princeton.
Tons of travel on the horizon for me. Back to Atlanta for a software conference tomorrow. Next week I'm in Chicago the 24th-26th for another conference. That Thursday to Sunday (28th-Oct 1st) I'm in NY with Ricky for assorted fun and the Columbia homecoming game. Monday the 2nd I fly from NY to LA to attend yet another software conference, this time in Santa Barbara returning on the red-eye the morning of October 5th. That evening Stacy and I are going to go see the Indigo Girls at the Tabernacle (shall be fun). And then finally on October 6th I leave for Paris for the George Michael concert (and my last merit badge before I become a Gay-scout) by way of London and back again on the 15th. A week at home and then Ricky will be coming to Atlanta the weekend before Halloween. Halloween in Midtown - this too shall be fun.
A pretty intensive month to come :) *note to self: sleeeep*
Tons of travel on the horizon for me. Back to Atlanta for a software conference tomorrow. Next week I'm in Chicago the 24th-26th for another conference. That Thursday to Sunday (28th-Oct 1st) I'm in NY with Ricky for assorted fun and the Columbia homecoming game. Monday the 2nd I fly from NY to LA to attend yet another software conference, this time in Santa Barbara returning on the red-eye the morning of October 5th. That evening Stacy and I are going to go see the Indigo Girls at the Tabernacle (shall be fun). And then finally on October 6th I leave for Paris for the George Michael concert (and my last merit badge before I become a Gay-scout) by way of London and back again on the 15th. A week at home and then Ricky will be coming to Atlanta the weekend before Halloween. Halloween in Midtown - this too shall be fun.
A pretty intensive month to come :) *note to self: sleeeep*
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