Laurie and I told the kids tonight about our divorce. She went to Kimberly's home, I stayed home and talked to Kristen. I'm not yet sure how it went yet with Kimberly, I can only hope for the best. Kristen was crushed at first, and I couldn't keep any more secrets from her so I came out to her. She is so very supportive. Sad still but fully understands now. Her she and her girl-friend are together now, and will be spending the night together. Something laurie and I expected and are comfortable with.
Like I had said, I'm not sure how Kimberly took it nor if Laurie ended up telling her the whole story. It's true she and I are not compatible any more, do not love each other as lovers, but I have always told Laurie that if she ever felt she needed to explain it to anyone that she was free to share my sexuality with them.
I'm sad, and I'm happy. Kristen is amazing. She accepts me for who I am, as I had hoped. I can only pray that Laurie is not having too rough a time of it with Kimberly.
My heart is still heavy. A milestone moment.
UPDATE:::
As I expected, Laurie told Kimberly about my sexuality. And unfortunately, as expected, she does not accept it. She says she loves me, but that being Gay is a choice. That if we were active in church I wouldn't be this way. Nice. It's going to be a long long road.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
I'm so tired of being here
I love my in-laws I suppose - but I'm so tired of George's bullshit. At dinner tonight he flatly told Kristen "he" would disown her if she got her tongue pierced. Disown her? What the fuck. He doesn't own her now. Having just about had it with their attitudes against Gays I took him to task very quickly - and he couldn't defend himself. This is in spite of the fact that Kristen has no interest in getting her tongue pierced. But once she's 18 she can pierce herself to her heart's content.
I think I'm just being hyper-sensitive right now knowing that likely this will be the last evening I will be welcome in their home, or at the beach house, or the apartment on BW in NY, or the apartment in Downtown Chicago. But honestly, I can't wait for "this last evening" to be over with. We'll be out of here by 4 AM. Laurie and I own a 5th part of a real estate LLC through this family - in which the ownership of the beach house and City Apartments is vested (among other things). Our share is worth about $1.5M. It will be interesting to see if they will approach me with a buy-out once Laurie and I divorce. If not then, perhaps once they know I'm Gay.
Sorry to be so bitter right now over something that may not even be realized. I've done very well down here this long-weekend but my thoughts on everything have been growing. I'm dealing well, but I'm ready to get going - on everything.
I think I'm just being hyper-sensitive right now knowing that likely this will be the last evening I will be welcome in their home, or at the beach house, or the apartment on BW in NY, or the apartment in Downtown Chicago. But honestly, I can't wait for "this last evening" to be over with. We'll be out of here by 4 AM. Laurie and I own a 5th part of a real estate LLC through this family - in which the ownership of the beach house and City Apartments is vested (among other things). Our share is worth about $1.5M. It will be interesting to see if they will approach me with a buy-out once Laurie and I divorce. If not then, perhaps once they know I'm Gay.
Sorry to be so bitter right now over something that may not even be realized. I've done very well down here this long-weekend but my thoughts on everything have been growing. I'm dealing well, but I'm ready to get going - on everything.
Wednesday, November 2, 2005
A walk in the clouds, rainy though they may be sometimes - in the shadow of a Total Eclipse
At age 11 I knew who I was, but could not accept it. At age 17 I accepted it, but had made a commitment to a young fatherless child and that child's mother. At age 39, after seeing that beautiful little girl to adulthood and a family of her own, my youngest daughter become president of her high school's GSA, and my own life slipping past me as I continued to live my lie, I began to wake; wake to the truth.
The truth is evident. I am a 40 year old Gay man. Forty years of life experiences. Twenty-nine years of sexual suppression. Four months of being myself; even if I'm stressed and not yet ready for prime time.
For those who are my friends, those who stick with me through all of this, and even those who can't hang in there - thank you.
Perhaps I'm just a fool.
There’s too much work and I’m spent
There’s too much pressure and I'm bent
I got no time to move ahead
Have you heard one thing that I’ve said
And all these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days
And I can’t last here for so long
I feel this current it’s so strong
It gets me further down the line
It gets me closer to the light
And all these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days
All these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days
Will all these little things in life they all create this haze
And now I’m running out of time I can’t see through this haze
My friend tell me why it has to be this way
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days
Thanks anyway.
The truth is evident. I am a 40 year old Gay man. Forty years of life experiences. Twenty-nine years of sexual suppression. Four months of being myself; even if I'm stressed and not yet ready for prime time.
For those who are my friends, those who stick with me through all of this, and even those who can't hang in there - thank you.
Perhaps I'm just a fool.
There’s too much work and I’m spent
There’s too much pressure and I'm bent
I got no time to move ahead
Have you heard one thing that I’ve said
And all these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days
And I can’t last here for so long
I feel this current it’s so strong
It gets me further down the line
It gets me closer to the light
And all these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days
All these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days
Will all these little things in life they all create this haze
And now I’m running out of time I can’t see through this haze
My friend tell me why it has to be this way
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days
Thanks anyway.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
14 to 16
Freshmen year was also the year I met Christina. She was also a senior but did not go to public school. We met at a party and I drove her home… I didn’t even have a license… But Naples was small enough I could probably have gotten away with it. She recently visited me – first time we had seen each other in quite a while.
High school in Naples was very interesting. Like being stuck in an episode of OC or 90210. Most of the kids had money and cars and all of the trappings of privilege... My Dad pretty much made my brother and I go it on our own. We drove the old family cars or bought our own. Paid our own gas and insurance. All of that. And in hindsight I know now that he did us a favor. He was more than able to have provided us the privileged life but instead sheltered us from that burden – such that it is – and we both grew up to respect money and other people.
I’ve never had real car luck. My first car was my grandmother’s old car - a 1965 Oldsmobile Jetstar 88 . That baby got around 6 miles to the gallon so I moved on as soon as I had the money saved up to a buy my next car – a 1976 Honda Civic. This car was love. Great gas mileage and peppy. It cost me $1500 which was a ton of money for me back then. But this car took me to college so – it wasn’t all bad. In between I had a play car – ended up buying a Triumph TR6 in really poor shape for $300. But it was fun to work on and a real blast to drive.
Around this time my Dad decided he just couldn't stay retired and ended up buying more real estate about this time. Which meant I was cheap labor - which was fine by me as I needed the money. He bought houses and other properties that needed work - and usually kept a hold of them once we fixed them up. If you were to have seen my Dad back in those days you would have assumed he didn't have a dime in his pockets. Wearing old painters clothes most of the time - as he worked hard on these houses too.
Dad was an incredible role model and while I can't say we were close, I can say we had and still have a great relationship.
Being 16 was what it was all about in high school as many may remember. In Naples it meant hanging out with friends from the other two high schools in town – partying late at night on the beach – doing things you wouldn’t want your own kids to do…. Grrr…
Around home where we lived there was always something to get into. We lived on a lake - a small lake of maybe 20 acres or so - but it was deep as it was one of the holes they dug back in the 50's to help build up the road bed for hwy US 41 - AKA the Tamiami Trail (Tampa to Miami Trail). Funny name that was bestowed on it appropriately back in the early 1900's as it was a wilderness trail down the coast and through the Everglades between Tampa and Miami. But I digress... The lake - yes, good fun. It was deep and cold. My neighborhood was perhaps 5 feet above sea level so, did 10 feet down and you hit water. And this lake is 35 or 40 feet deep. I can remember swimming down to the deep end with a friend and pulling ourselves to the bottom by the long stalks of the lily pads that covered the lake. By the time we got back up all of the pigment from our skin was gone - we had lost our tans temporarily to the cold water. What an experience. And we were fearless. There were plenty of alligators in that lake but being young and dumb I guess we figured they had better people to eat than we skinny boys...
And snakes... I can't count the number of snakes we ran into, or stepped on. Just a common thing for a couple of boys living down there. Two yards down from my house there was an empty lot we would play in and once day we ran across a diamond back rattler sunning itself - must have been at least 8 feet long. As big around as a football in the middle. I still remember standing back 20 feet or so and throwing pine cones at it - until we hit it.. I'll never forget the sound as that giant curled up and rattled... They say a snake can strike twice it's length away... we didn't stick around to find out. Needless to say, we gave that lot a WIDE birth for a few years...
To be continued… (The Everglades, cow tipping, wild boar, and snip hunting :)
High school in Naples was very interesting. Like being stuck in an episode of OC or 90210. Most of the kids had money and cars and all of the trappings of privilege... My Dad pretty much made my brother and I go it on our own. We drove the old family cars or bought our own. Paid our own gas and insurance. All of that. And in hindsight I know now that he did us a favor. He was more than able to have provided us the privileged life but instead sheltered us from that burden – such that it is – and we both grew up to respect money and other people.
I’ve never had real car luck. My first car was my grandmother’s old car - a 1965 Oldsmobile Jetstar 88 . That baby got around 6 miles to the gallon so I moved on as soon as I had the money saved up to a buy my next car – a 1976 Honda Civic. This car was love. Great gas mileage and peppy. It cost me $1500 which was a ton of money for me back then. But this car took me to college so – it wasn’t all bad. In between I had a play car – ended up buying a Triumph TR6 in really poor shape for $300. But it was fun to work on and a real blast to drive.
Around this time my Dad decided he just couldn't stay retired and ended up buying more real estate about this time. Which meant I was cheap labor - which was fine by me as I needed the money. He bought houses and other properties that needed work - and usually kept a hold of them once we fixed them up. If you were to have seen my Dad back in those days you would have assumed he didn't have a dime in his pockets. Wearing old painters clothes most of the time - as he worked hard on these houses too.
Dad was an incredible role model and while I can't say we were close, I can say we had and still have a great relationship.
Being 16 was what it was all about in high school as many may remember. In Naples it meant hanging out with friends from the other two high schools in town – partying late at night on the beach – doing things you wouldn’t want your own kids to do…. Grrr…
Around home where we lived there was always something to get into. We lived on a lake - a small lake of maybe 20 acres or so - but it was deep as it was one of the holes they dug back in the 50's to help build up the road bed for hwy US 41 - AKA the Tamiami Trail (Tampa to Miami Trail). Funny name that was bestowed on it appropriately back in the early 1900's as it was a wilderness trail down the coast and through the Everglades between Tampa and Miami. But I digress... The lake - yes, good fun. It was deep and cold. My neighborhood was perhaps 5 feet above sea level so, did 10 feet down and you hit water. And this lake is 35 or 40 feet deep. I can remember swimming down to the deep end with a friend and pulling ourselves to the bottom by the long stalks of the lily pads that covered the lake. By the time we got back up all of the pigment from our skin was gone - we had lost our tans temporarily to the cold water. What an experience. And we were fearless. There were plenty of alligators in that lake but being young and dumb I guess we figured they had better people to eat than we skinny boys...
And snakes... I can't count the number of snakes we ran into, or stepped on. Just a common thing for a couple of boys living down there. Two yards down from my house there was an empty lot we would play in and once day we ran across a diamond back rattler sunning itself - must have been at least 8 feet long. As big around as a football in the middle. I still remember standing back 20 feet or so and throwing pine cones at it - until we hit it.. I'll never forget the sound as that giant curled up and rattled... They say a snake can strike twice it's length away... we didn't stick around to find out. Needless to say, we gave that lot a WIDE birth for a few years...
To be continued… (The Everglades, cow tipping, wild boar, and snip hunting :)
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Where's my soul - Today was a bad day in 1985
I wanted to tell my journal and everyone who may care about something that may well have played a bit into my psyche, something that happened a long time ago to a very special friend.
As most everyone knows, I'm just coming out. And as a few of my friends know, I'm essentially a virgin in terms of being with a guy. I have known of my attraction for guys since I was 11, but only confirmed it when I was 17; and even then not completely. My 17th year was amazing but I've not told the whole story.
The other guy was a friend of mine, a boy like myself who was searching. I've told many that after that one experience we both kind of just drifted away. And there is a small truth to that. I went off to college, he stayed in Naples... and became a call-boy. A gay call-boy.
No judgment on his choices. He was a very attractive young man and a free spirit; a swimmer and surfer like myself. Urged me to do what he was doing. But what makes this story so poignant is that as lucrative and that choice was for him, and exciting as it may have been, he died of an overdose in a beach-side suite. Friday September 6th, 1985
Cycle of the moon brings blood to the woman
In the blood of the woman brings birth of a child
Child grow up
Keep forgetting something
Birth of a child comes someplace while you
Even grey days beat the shade to wean
Unbodied unsouled unheard unseen
Let the gift be grown in the time to call our own
Let the truth be sewn before the windows closing
Truth is natural like a wind that blows
Follow the direction no matter where it goes
So it shall be the earth and the sea
Let the truth blow like a hurricane through me
If I've been cold, if I've spoken in anger, to have been bold, forgive me
Annie got married it didn't come with out tears
like the day you died I have laughter for these years
For Michael - I wonder who and where we would be.
As most everyone knows, I'm just coming out. And as a few of my friends know, I'm essentially a virgin in terms of being with a guy. I have known of my attraction for guys since I was 11, but only confirmed it when I was 17; and even then not completely. My 17th year was amazing but I've not told the whole story.
The other guy was a friend of mine, a boy like myself who was searching. I've told many that after that one experience we both kind of just drifted away. And there is a small truth to that. I went off to college, he stayed in Naples... and became a call-boy. A gay call-boy.
No judgment on his choices. He was a very attractive young man and a free spirit; a swimmer and surfer like myself. Urged me to do what he was doing. But what makes this story so poignant is that as lucrative and that choice was for him, and exciting as it may have been, he died of an overdose in a beach-side suite. Friday September 6th, 1985
Cycle of the moon brings blood to the woman
In the blood of the woman brings birth of a child
Child grow up
Keep forgetting something
Birth of a child comes someplace while you
Even grey days beat the shade to wean
Unbodied unsouled unheard unseen
Let the gift be grown in the time to call our own
Let the truth be sewn before the windows closing
Truth is natural like a wind that blows
Follow the direction no matter where it goes
So it shall be the earth and the sea
Let the truth blow like a hurricane through me
If I've been cold, if I've spoken in anger, to have been bold, forgive me
Annie got married it didn't come with out tears
like the day you died I have laughter for these years
For Michael - I wonder who and where we would be.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Old pictures, Old memories... reflections
An old friend skipped (flew) into town today, just for a few hours, helped me drink some wine as we contemplated my upcoming 40th. Yikes, I still can't believe it (ha ha).
Well, she had this pic of me - what a cutie I was I guess. Ah I can't believe she did this to me...
Monday, August 22, 2005
Why can't I just be
Dear God,
Why am I the man I am? Why do I always have these questions, always want answers? Why can’t I just be who I am and not care how I got here, or what others think of me or how the person “I am” affects others? Why is my path so much the road less traveled? Why can’t I just be?
The longing for acceptance, the want for people to like me, the wish for companionship, the need for love, the less eloquent desires; why do these things plague me so?
It seems so simple under the neon lights of the night. The sounds of the city streets; the laughter, the beat of the music, the squealing tires, the hushed passions.
I. You. Simple. Lonely. Vapid. Primal. Welcomed desire. Un-welcomed expectations. Honor. Pride. Conformity. Passion.
Lost. Disconnected. Alone.
Why can’t I just be?
Me.
Why am I the man I am? Why do I always have these questions, always want answers? Why can’t I just be who I am and not care how I got here, or what others think of me or how the person “I am” affects others? Why is my path so much the road less traveled? Why can’t I just be?
The longing for acceptance, the want for people to like me, the wish for companionship, the need for love, the less eloquent desires; why do these things plague me so?
It seems so simple under the neon lights of the night. The sounds of the city streets; the laughter, the beat of the music, the squealing tires, the hushed passions.
I. You. Simple. Lonely. Vapid. Primal. Welcomed desire. Un-welcomed expectations. Honor. Pride. Conformity. Passion.
Lost. Disconnected. Alone.
Why can’t I just be?
Me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Longing for Seattle...
Here I meditate... well, actually sitting on a stone wall outside of the aquatic center while my daughter has splash-class (diving practice). It's been an unusually strange summer in Atlanta, hot as all-get-out (southern-ism) one week, cool and rainy the next. Right now as I sit journaling, it's a cool 75 degrees, light breeze, makes me think of fall - which won't visit the South for another 8 weeks or longer...
We are in one of those cooler-than-normal rainy weeks - very fall like - off in the distance you can hear the football practices for the rec leagues. The Men's (high school) cross country team just ran by, and the first signs of fall, the sugar maples, are just starting to show their color. Such a tease... as I know we will have more 90+ degree weather and more smog and more and more and more...
What it really has me thinking about is Seattle. Or maybe Gig Harbor down on the Peninsula. The Pac NW is where my heart is. Every time I'm out there, it just seems right. Like I belong. Arcada, Yakima, Portland, Hood River, Seattle... Anchorage.
And here I am in Atlanta... Not that the big ATL is all bad - Spring rocks - by late February it's in the low 60s at times, lots of us out and about trying to work off those winter pounds... And trees, Atlanta is a tree city, even in Midtown - but especially once outside of the business areas.
My parents live in AK - I think it's time for a road-trip (make that a plane ride...) Go sit by the ocean and ponder how small we all really are.
We are in one of those cooler-than-normal rainy weeks - very fall like - off in the distance you can hear the football practices for the rec leagues. The Men's (high school) cross country team just ran by, and the first signs of fall, the sugar maples, are just starting to show their color. Such a tease... as I know we will have more 90+ degree weather and more smog and more and more and more...
What it really has me thinking about is Seattle. Or maybe Gig Harbor down on the Peninsula. The Pac NW is where my heart is. Every time I'm out there, it just seems right. Like I belong. Arcada, Yakima, Portland, Hood River, Seattle... Anchorage.
And here I am in Atlanta... Not that the big ATL is all bad - Spring rocks - by late February it's in the low 60s at times, lots of us out and about trying to work off those winter pounds... And trees, Atlanta is a tree city, even in Midtown - but especially once outside of the business areas.
My parents live in AK - I think it's time for a road-trip (make that a plane ride...) Go sit by the ocean and ponder how small we all really are.
Monday, August 1, 2005
Inalienable rights, dammit !
It's been a challenge friends. Here I am, a white upper class, outwardly heterosexual male. In America, I have it all. Full citizenship rights. I can live in any town, any neighborhood, belong to any country club, any fraternity, drive any car, attend and be a member of any church, adopt, marry, vote. Yet by doing just one thing, loving another man, I become less-than. I loose most of those civil liberties.
I've tried to make my coming out a thoughtful process. I've not jumped into bed with just anyone. My sexuality is without question though - and is a painful reminder I have lived with for over 22 years. So I've talked a lot with different guys. Coming out to some, even in my current world. Have made some great gay and lesbian friends. But it saddens me when I see the resignation in so many eyes, the knowledge that they each either accept their second city status or pretend they do not care.
Marriage is a prime example. Marriage is a legal construct. Not a theological one (flame away). Certainly, marriage in the church is and should be governed by the society within the church. But the legal contract of marriage should be available to me, as an American. And it is, that is until I wish to make this contract with another man, somehow I have lost that civil right. Now, how does that work?
I've discussed this topic at length with many people, gay, lesbian, and straight. And certainly you can imagine the hetero view - mostly opposed. Usually on religious grounds - even though it's not a religious issue (more flames please). And then there is the blue-collar hetero view - the one that opponents of same sex marriage cultivate best - that gay people, by virtue of the sexual acts they perform, are less than human. The same tactics used by segregationists of the 50's and 60's - how effective, and how sad. But I've found a small percentage (not a majority mind you) of gays and lesbians who actually oppose same-sex marriage. Now how does THAT work? Most of these believe instead that we should have the right to "civil unions" but not marriage rights. But that smacks too highly of separate but equal. Maybe we should have separate drinking fountains too?
So, coming from the other side, the dark side, I can't help but feel militant about this. How can anyone dare to take away a civil right I have had my entire life; take that right away just because I have fallen in love with a beautiful mind, an amazing intellect, an enthralling personality, a sharp whit, that just happens to housed in the body of a man.
A great yet flawed man, Thomas Jefferson, once penned for us all that we as a people "hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable rights; that among these, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness".
If but those words could have been penned into the Constitution instead of just the Declaration of Independence we would not have this issue today.
There is more - pin-balling in the hallways of my mind. If you've gotten this far, thank you.
I've tried to make my coming out a thoughtful process. I've not jumped into bed with just anyone. My sexuality is without question though - and is a painful reminder I have lived with for over 22 years. So I've talked a lot with different guys. Coming out to some, even in my current world. Have made some great gay and lesbian friends. But it saddens me when I see the resignation in so many eyes, the knowledge that they each either accept their second city status or pretend they do not care.
Marriage is a prime example. Marriage is a legal construct. Not a theological one (flame away). Certainly, marriage in the church is and should be governed by the society within the church. But the legal contract of marriage should be available to me, as an American. And it is, that is until I wish to make this contract with another man, somehow I have lost that civil right. Now, how does that work?
I've discussed this topic at length with many people, gay, lesbian, and straight. And certainly you can imagine the hetero view - mostly opposed. Usually on religious grounds - even though it's not a religious issue (more flames please). And then there is the blue-collar hetero view - the one that opponents of same sex marriage cultivate best - that gay people, by virtue of the sexual acts they perform, are less than human. The same tactics used by segregationists of the 50's and 60's - how effective, and how sad. But I've found a small percentage (not a majority mind you) of gays and lesbians who actually oppose same-sex marriage. Now how does THAT work? Most of these believe instead that we should have the right to "civil unions" but not marriage rights. But that smacks too highly of separate but equal. Maybe we should have separate drinking fountains too?
So, coming from the other side, the dark side, I can't help but feel militant about this. How can anyone dare to take away a civil right I have had my entire life; take that right away just because I have fallen in love with a beautiful mind, an amazing intellect, an enthralling personality, a sharp whit, that just happens to housed in the body of a man.
A great yet flawed man, Thomas Jefferson, once penned for us all that we as a people "hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable rights; that among these, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness".
If but those words could have been penned into the Constitution instead of just the Declaration of Independence we would not have this issue today.
There is more - pin-balling in the hallways of my mind. If you've gotten this far, thank you.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
I'm a Nerd
Sitting in LAX late tonight, waiting on a delayed red-eye to Atlanta, it "re-dawns" on me that I'm a Nerd (capital N). I said "re-dawns" because this is certainly not the first time this has entered my psyche.
Here I sit, reading, writing, commenting on various friend's blogs, I realize that being a Nerd, or more accurately having a preclusion to intellectual pursuits, is exactly where I like to be.
If you look around where I live, my neighborhood, it's an entire population of Nerds - Doctor's, Lawyers, Professors, Entrepreneurs, and even an Author. Driving their Nerd-mobiles (BMWs, Mercedes, Jags, Volvos).
I went to my high school reunion recently - 20 years (yikes) and the pride I have of my "Nerdness" took on new confidence. And we all know how it goes. The jocks, cheerleaders, popular kids are in general, still the same. And they marvel at where others of us have gone in life. And that's ok, we need employees :)
________________________
Yes, I am a Nerd. But worse yet, or better yet, I’m a Gay Nerd.
So what does that really mean? Well for one thing, I don’t fit into anyone’s concept of a Gay Man. Not a label whore – I wear jeans and tee shirts. I think more about important issues, politics, and the latest good book.
So as a Nerd, a Gay Nerd just coming out into the world I find myself a drift in a superficial culture that may not be prepared for me, or may misunderstand me.
I’ve opined on what will become of me once I shed the self imposed repression of all of these years (see Midtown-Chris). But in becoming Midtown-Chris, if that’s to be my fate, will I then instead just be repressing my Nerdness? Certainly there is room for both –
Here I sit, reading, writing, commenting on various friend's blogs, I realize that being a Nerd, or more accurately having a preclusion to intellectual pursuits, is exactly where I like to be.
If you look around where I live, my neighborhood, it's an entire population of Nerds - Doctor's, Lawyers, Professors, Entrepreneurs, and even an Author. Driving their Nerd-mobiles (BMWs, Mercedes, Jags, Volvos).
I went to my high school reunion recently - 20 years (yikes) and the pride I have of my "Nerdness" took on new confidence. And we all know how it goes. The jocks, cheerleaders, popular kids are in general, still the same. And they marvel at where others of us have gone in life. And that's ok, we need employees :)
________________________
Yes, I am a Nerd. But worse yet, or better yet, I’m a Gay Nerd.
So what does that really mean? Well for one thing, I don’t fit into anyone’s concept of a Gay Man. Not a label whore – I wear jeans and tee shirts. I think more about important issues, politics, and the latest good book.
So as a Nerd, a Gay Nerd just coming out into the world I find myself a drift in a superficial culture that may not be prepared for me, or may misunderstand me.
I’ve opined on what will become of me once I shed the self imposed repression of all of these years (see Midtown-Chris). But in becoming Midtown-Chris, if that’s to be my fate, will I then instead just be repressing my Nerdness? Certainly there is room for both –
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Midtown Chris
Do I have a sign on my forehead?
I went to lunch with a friend this week. Venturing into the unknown - we headed deep into the hood - Midtown that is - center of Gay Atlanta.
Nothing like the feeling of having a bumper sticker pasted to your forehead – “Fresh Meat”.
Being the out and coming (coming out) straight guy getting in touch with the truth proved to be a real good time. Even though it was a slow Wednesday on the patio at Joe’s, there was still a nice crowd. And it was nice getting some attention - and looks. But that brings me to the real subject.
What happens to guys when they come out? Approaching this intellectually I want to think that I will come out, find a great guy, and have a long term, mutually rewarding relationship based on love and a deep soulful connection. But is that how it works? I want it too, without question. It’s the plan. But am I more likely, freed from my sexual repression, to dive into the pool – or become “Midtown Chris” (cape and all) as a friend of mine jokes?
Now, I’m no slouch – even at 39. I’m in the best shape of my life; masculine, lean, athletic, smart, successful, well read and a world traveler. (and I have a really nice scooter chair and AARP has a great health plan :) )
I have absolutely no clue how this works but what if Midtown Chris is given just a little bit of attention by the boys at Outwrite, or Einstein’s, or at some techno club I now so snobbishly claim to not be “my scene” – does he become the shirtless dancer-boy up on Ecstasy until 4 in the morning sleeping with whatever twink comes along?
So who knows – if any of you do, shout it out. But it’s not the plan – I hope to have more character than that. Let me know what you think, what you’ve experienced.
I went to lunch with a friend this week. Venturing into the unknown - we headed deep into the hood - Midtown that is - center of Gay Atlanta.
Nothing like the feeling of having a bumper sticker pasted to your forehead – “Fresh Meat”.
Being the out and coming (coming out) straight guy getting in touch with the truth proved to be a real good time. Even though it was a slow Wednesday on the patio at Joe’s, there was still a nice crowd. And it was nice getting some attention - and looks. But that brings me to the real subject.
What happens to guys when they come out? Approaching this intellectually I want to think that I will come out, find a great guy, and have a long term, mutually rewarding relationship based on love and a deep soulful connection. But is that how it works? I want it too, without question. It’s the plan. But am I more likely, freed from my sexual repression, to dive into the pool – or become “Midtown Chris” (cape and all) as a friend of mine jokes?
Now, I’m no slouch – even at 39. I’m in the best shape of my life; masculine, lean, athletic, smart, successful, well read and a world traveler. (and I have a really nice scooter chair and AARP has a great health plan :) )
I have absolutely no clue how this works but what if Midtown Chris is given just a little bit of attention by the boys at Outwrite, or Einstein’s, or at some techno club I now so snobbishly claim to not be “my scene” – does he become the shirtless dancer-boy up on Ecstasy until 4 in the morning sleeping with whatever twink comes along?
So who knows – if any of you do, shout it out. But it’s not the plan – I hope to have more character than that. Let me know what you think, what you’ve experienced.
Friday, July 8, 2005
Senior Year
It was a very good year 1982/83. Suntans, cars, drinking, drugs, girls, guys… Life was good beyond all expectation. I grew up in a very affluent South Florida community. My parents and most of my friend’s parents were wealthy, by any measure - An upper class existence where everyone at school had a car, many new BMWs and Mercedes, Porches and Corvettes. Boats, planes, weekend trips to Bimini – life was good.
I was the quintessential popular kid. Tall, firm, athletic, rich, friends with the jocks, the preps, the geeks, the freaks, the misfits – and a straight A student.
A good year, the year my girlfriend of 4 months told her family and I that she was 5 months pregnant. The year I choose, without hesitation to claim the child as my own. Step up in public and make that claim, even though this baby was in no way my child. Not many guys would have done it; most would have bolted – even now. But for me it was the right thing to do.
In the superficial world we lived in back then, a teenage mother was not something that would have been accepted; much less one without the responsible father. It’s not as if we lived in the inner city after all – these things did not happen in “Whiteville”. Girls were expected to “take care” of it. Abort.
Not that I’m a Bible banging pro-lifer – I’m not. I’m pro-choice. Life is my choice. And I have no right to pass judgment or my beliefs on anyone else. But it was a hard choice, for a 16 and 17 year old to make and go forward into life.
We both took a lot of crap about this – from teachers, other students, people, in the community. But fuck them.
Why I did it, I don’t know. Does it define me? Without question. And it has driven me to seek answers – why I am the Man I am. Why did I make this very right decision – at a time in life that I was unsure of my self in more ways than one - this was the same time of my first relationship with a boy...
That most beautiful child that we introduced to the many things on this planet, to this life is now introducing a child of her own to the wind, the rain, the laughter and sorrow that is our existence. Had I allowed that child to be aborted I know that I would not be as complete as I am.
I was the quintessential popular kid. Tall, firm, athletic, rich, friends with the jocks, the preps, the geeks, the freaks, the misfits – and a straight A student.
A good year, the year my girlfriend of 4 months told her family and I that she was 5 months pregnant. The year I choose, without hesitation to claim the child as my own. Step up in public and make that claim, even though this baby was in no way my child. Not many guys would have done it; most would have bolted – even now. But for me it was the right thing to do.
In the superficial world we lived in back then, a teenage mother was not something that would have been accepted; much less one without the responsible father. It’s not as if we lived in the inner city after all – these things did not happen in “Whiteville”. Girls were expected to “take care” of it. Abort.
Not that I’m a Bible banging pro-lifer – I’m not. I’m pro-choice. Life is my choice. And I have no right to pass judgment or my beliefs on anyone else. But it was a hard choice, for a 16 and 17 year old to make and go forward into life.
We both took a lot of crap about this – from teachers, other students, people, in the community. But fuck them.
Why I did it, I don’t know. Does it define me? Without question. And it has driven me to seek answers – why I am the Man I am. Why did I make this very right decision – at a time in life that I was unsure of my self in more ways than one - this was the same time of my first relationship with a boy...
That most beautiful child that we introduced to the many things on this planet, to this life is now introducing a child of her own to the wind, the rain, the laughter and sorrow that is our existence. Had I allowed that child to be aborted I know that I would not be as complete as I am.
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