Single

I spent most of the night sitting 3 feet away from the railroad tracks contemplating the futility of it all. I had never loved before this, that is so very obvious now. 8 trains blew past and the power of it over came my despair.

I just came home from the longest ride (cycle) I've done since I competed in college. 5 hours and about 80 miles. From here to past-Winder and back. I was essentially shaking my fist at God, daring him to strike me down; abusing my body, burning the pain from my mind. I think I may need to go get pumped full of fluids again but it's all good. I feel better and God and I had a long long discussion about all the bullshit - most of it on my part, maybe all of it.

I feel cleansed. I'm not sure if I'm moving on or just in denial but either way I'm not where I was. Like I said last night before I died, I'm not sure what tomorrow has in store for me, no less what the next hour may bring. One thing is certain, I'll be there until the last second.

Thank you all for your words and support - I've been a mess recently and time off from the dating thing might be best. I'm not going to go looking for a relationship.

I pray that Brian can find happiness on the path he's chosen. I can't guarantee my heart will still be around. I love him deeply still and would likely consider being together with him again but either way I'll always try to be there for him as a friend.

Many of you are shaking your head at me having been through relationships that didn't work, that hurt. But you all know my story or should by now. Laurie and I were together since I was 17. She was the last girlfriend I had in a line of constant girlfriends dating back to when I was 11. So I've never felt pain. Even my divorce and coming out, while painful in many ways, doesn't nearly compare to this. So I understand a bit better why people would occasionally cyber-bitch-slap me at times.

This has hardened me. Like so many of you seem to have been hardened, jaded. My sorrow is really now for the next person in my life. I hope I can love as deeply; that I can dive in so blindly. Before I was like a child who didn't know the fear of playing with matches. Now that I'm good and burned I have a much greater respect, and maybe fear, of the whole idea. I'll apologize now to the next guy for that.

Peace friends.