Sleeping with Ghosts or...Things that go bump in the night...

Guess it's not surprising that an old 1920's house might have a few um.. well, peculiarities.

First off, no I was not drinking or doing any form of hallucinogen - honest. No, really.

The cats had been freaky all night Tuesday. Running around, fighting, playing, generally out of control. Now I had been hearing all sorts of bumbs and bangs that night; noises you expect from an old house sometimes - nothing I was too concerned about. The center candle on my fireplace mantle kept going out, but no big deal I thought. Then, sometime around 2 AM (Wednesday Morning), I was walking down the hallway towards my bedroom. Not sure why I was heading that way, I actually quite forgot because about 10 feet from the bedroom the door, which opens into the room, swung deliberately closed. Now, this is a door that has remained open for the last 2 weeks straight. It is actually off balanced and stays open unless you deliberately pull it latched. *chills*.

At first I thought it was Pounce and Prissy playing but when I turned (to haul ass) they were standing right behind me in the hall.

Finally shaking it off I went down the hall and opened the door back up to find nothing special. Ten minutes later while brushing my teeth in route to sleepdom I kept hearing the back door on the screen porch slam again and again like it was caught in the wind.

Suburban warrior that I am, armored in my boxers (hereto referred to as Boxer-boy), I ventured through the kitchen and onto the screened porch to find that in fact both doors were latched tight - yet without a doubt these were the source of the banging as I gave a few test slams... Something strange was happening here as they were latched and there was no wind. *on cue, spooky music starts now*

So quickly Boxer-boy retreated to the safety of his bed to let the night pass as it may. A little trouble sleeping as the banging door persisted - not too intensely but enough to get my attention.

Last night was cool, very quiet actually, even with all of the wind (heh heh um.. yeah, um..). Maybe too quiet. Except my stereo came on around 4 AM. I really didn't process it when I got up to turn it off but it was quite a bit louder than I had it when I shut it off. *nervously laughs* Maybe my drumming has awakened Casper.

I'm not too worried about it though - sort of fun actually. I know this is where the audience tells me to get the fuck out but alas like all other horror movie victims I can't hear yooooou.

tears, laughter, oh how my heart cries

Laurie and I told the kids tonight about our divorce. She went to Kimberly's home, I stayed home and talked to Kristen. I'm not yet sure how it went yet with Kimberly, I can only hope for the best. Kristen was crushed at first, and I couldn't keep any more secrets from her so I came out to her. She is so very supportive. Sad still but fully understands now. Her she and her girl-friend are together now, and will be spending the night together. Something laurie and I expected and are comfortable with.

Like I had said, I'm not sure how Kimberly took it nor if Laurie ended up telling her the whole story. It's true she and I are not compatible any more, do not love each other as lovers, but I have always told Laurie that if she ever felt she needed to explain it to anyone that she was free to share my sexuality with them.

I'm sad, and I'm happy. Kristen is amazing. She accepts me for who I am, as I had hoped. I can only pray that Laurie is not having too rough a time of it with Kimberly.

My heart is still heavy. A milestone moment.

UPDATE:::
As I expected, Laurie told Kimberly about my sexuality. And unfortunately, as expected, she does not accept it. She says she loves me, but that being Gay is a choice. That if we were active in church I wouldn't be this way. Nice. It's going to be a long long road.

I'm so tired of being here

I love my in-laws I suppose - but I'm so tired of George's bullshit. At dinner tonight he flatly told Kristen "he" would disown her if she got her tongue pierced. Disown her? What the fuck. He doesn't own her now. Having just about had it with their attitudes against Gays I took him to task very quickly - and he couldn't defend himself. This is in spite of the fact that Kristen has no interest in getting her tongue pierced. But once she's 18 she can pierce herself to her heart's content.

I think I'm just being hyper-sensitive right now knowing that likely this will be the last evening I will be welcome in their home, or at the beach house, or the apartment on BW in NY, or the apartment in Downtown Chicago. But honestly, I can't wait for "this last evening" to be over with. We'll be out of here by 4 AM. Laurie and I own a 5th part of a real estate LLC through this family - in which the ownership of the beach house and City Apartments is vested (among other things). Our share is worth about $1.5M. It will be interesting to see if they will approach me with a buy-out once Laurie and I divorce. If not then, perhaps once they know I'm Gay.

Sorry to be so bitter right now over something that may not even be realized. I've done very well down here this long-weekend but my thoughts on everything have been growing. I'm dealing well, but I'm ready to get going - on everything.

A walk in the clouds, rainy though they may be sometimes - in the shadow of a Total Eclipse

At age 11 I knew who I was, but could not accept it. At age 17 I accepted it, but had made a commitment to a young fatherless child and that child's mother. At age 39, after seeing that beautiful little girl to adulthood and a family of her own, my youngest daughter become president of her high school's GSA, and my own life slipping past me as I continued to live my lie, I began to wake; wake to the truth.

The truth is evident. I am a 40 year old Gay man. Forty years of life experiences. Twenty-nine years of sexual suppression. Four months of being myself; even if I'm stressed and not yet ready for prime time.

For those who are my friends, those who stick with me through all of this, and even those who can't hang in there - thank you.

Perhaps I'm just a fool.


There’s too much work and I’m spent
There’s too much pressure and I'm bent
I got no time to move ahead
Have you heard one thing that I’ve said

And all these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days

And I can’t last here for so long
I feel this current it’s so strong
It gets me further down the line
It gets me closer to the light

And all these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days

All these little things in life they all create this haze
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days

Will all these little things in life they all create this haze
And now I’m running out of time I can’t see through this haze
My friend tell me why it has to be this way
There’s too many things to get done, and I’m running out of days


Thanks anyway.

14 to 16

Freshmen year was also the year I met Christina. She was also a senior but did not go to public school. We met at a party and I drove her home… I didn’t even have a license… But Naples was small enough I could probably have gotten away with it. She recently visited me – first time we had seen each other in quite a while.

High school in Naples was very interesting. Like being stuck in an episode of OC or 90210. Most of the kids had money and cars and all of the trappings of privilege... My Dad pretty much made my brother and I go it on our own. We drove the old family cars or bought our own. Paid our own gas and insurance. All of that. And in hindsight I know now that he did us a favor. He was more than able to have provided us the privileged life but instead sheltered us from that burden – such that it is – and we both grew up to respect money and other people.

I’ve never had real car luck. My first car was my grandmother’s old car - a 1965 Oldsmobile Jetstar 88 . That baby got around 6 miles to the gallon so I moved on as soon as I had the money saved up to a buy my next car – a 1976 Honda Civic. This car was love. Great gas mileage and peppy. It cost me $1500 which was a ton of money for me back then. But this car took me to college so – it wasn’t all bad. In between I had a play car – ended up buying a Triumph TR6 in really poor shape for $300. But it was fun to work on and a real blast to drive.

Around this time my Dad decided he just couldn't stay retired and ended up buying more real estate about this time. Which meant I was cheap labor - which was fine by me as I needed the money. He bought houses and other properties that needed work - and usually kept a hold of them once we fixed them up. If you were to have seen my Dad back in those days you would have assumed he didn't have a dime in his pockets. Wearing old painters clothes most of the time - as he worked hard on these houses too.

Dad was an incredible role model and while I can't say we were close, I can say we had and still have a great relationship.

Being 16 was what it was all about in high school as many may remember. In Naples it meant hanging out with friends from the other two high schools in town – partying late at night on the beach – doing things you wouldn’t want your own kids to do…. Grrr…

Around home where we lived there was always something to get into. We lived on a lake - a small lake of maybe 20 acres or so - but it was deep as it was one of the holes they dug back in the 50's to help build up the road bed for hwy US 41 - AKA the Tamiami Trail (Tampa to Miami Trail). Funny name that was bestowed on it appropriately back in the early 1900's as it was a wilderness trail down the coast and through the Everglades between Tampa and Miami. But I digress... The lake - yes, good fun. It was deep and cold. My neighborhood was perhaps 5 feet above sea level so, did 10 feet down and you hit water. And this lake is 35 or 40 feet deep. I can remember swimming down to the deep end with a friend and pulling ourselves to the bottom by the long stalks of the lily pads that covered the lake. By the time we got back up all of the pigment from our skin was gone - we had lost our tans temporarily to the cold water. What an experience. And we were fearless. There were plenty of alligators in that lake but being young and dumb I guess we figured they had better people to eat than we skinny boys...

And snakes... I can't count the number of snakes we ran into, or stepped on. Just a common thing for a couple of boys living down there. Two yards down from my house there was an empty lot we would play in and once day we ran across a diamond back rattler sunning itself - must have been at least 8 feet long. As big around as a football in the middle. I still remember standing back 20 feet or so and throwing pine cones at it - until we hit it.. I'll never forget the sound as that giant curled up and rattled... They say a snake can strike twice it's length away... we didn't stick around to find out. Needless to say, we gave that lot a WIDE birth for a few years...

To be continued… (The Everglades, cow tipping, wild boar, and snip hunting :)

Where's my soul - Today was a bad day in 1985

I wanted to tell my journal and everyone who may care about something that may well have played a bit into my psyche, something that happened a long time ago to a very special friend.

As most everyone knows, I'm just coming out. And as a few of my friends know, I'm essentially a virgin in terms of being with a guy. I have known of my attraction for guys since I was 11, but only confirmed it when I was 17; and even then not completely. My 17th year was amazing but I've not told the whole story.

The other guy was a friend of mine, a boy like myself who was searching. I've told many that after that one experience we both kind of just drifted away. And there is a small truth to that. I went off to college, he stayed in Naples... and became a call-boy. A gay call-boy.

No judgment on his choices. He was a very attractive young man and a free spirit; a swimmer and surfer like myself. Urged me to do what he was doing. But what makes this story so poignant is that as lucrative and that choice was for him, and exciting as it may have been, he died of an overdose in a beach-side suite. Friday September 6th, 1985

Cycle of the moon brings blood to the woman
In the blood of the woman brings birth of a child
Child grow up
Keep forgetting something
Birth of a child comes someplace while you
Even grey days beat the shade to wean
Unbodied unsouled unheard unseen
Let the gift be grown in the time to call our own
Let the truth be sewn before the windows closing
Truth is natural like a wind that blows
Follow the direction no matter where it goes
So it shall be the earth and the sea
Let the truth blow like a hurricane through me

If I've been cold, if I've spoken in anger, to have been bold, forgive me

Annie got married it didn't come with out tears
like the day you died I have laughter for these years

For Michael - I wonder who and where we would be.

Old pictures, Old memories... reflections

An old friend skipped (flew) into town today, just for a few hours, helped me drink some wine as we contemplated my upcoming 40th. Yikes, I still can't believe it (ha ha).

Well, she had this pic of me - what a cutie I was I guess. Ah I can't believe she did this to me...