A few more thoughts

A friend of mine recently lamented in a post about the love found in a relationship and how it's possible, even likely, that the pursuit of physical, nearly anonymous intimacy is our way of trying to fill the void we have in our lives when we are without that love. Recently I've begun to agree.

I tried to fill that void this weekend, the void I've most recently fallen into.

I think the way someone is intimately is a direct representation of who they are personally - it's a direct image of a person's true nature. Some are givers in bed, always wanting to give to their lovers. Others are caring nurturers more concerned with growing the experience. And others are takers concerned only with how they get off. I believe these traits to be windows into who a person is. The giver, the nurturer, the taker.
___________________

So with all that this past week has seen I need to put some things out into the bit-stream.
This past Saturday would have been Brian and my 3-month and we were going to spend it like a lot of couples, anniversary style I guess. Dinner at a nice place, ya know.

The last real hurdle for me in coming out has been and is being "out" professionally. In the industry my software consulting practice serves (manufacturers) there is very little chance that being out could work. It is a very blue collar environment and even if lip-service were given to me being Gay, I feel certain that consulting projects would be withheld or perhaps not even offered for bid due to it. I am responsible for generating the project business for over 35 people. 35 different families depend on me doing my job. Being out carried too much risk of impacting those families.

So last Saturday the plan at dinner was to surprise Brian and tell him about something I've been doing about it. He knows some of it but not all so, here it goes. I've begun to interview with several firms for various though similar executive positions. 4 firms at present. Three in Atlanta whom I was connected to through the The Atlanta Executive Network and one in Detroit. I've had calls with all of them and a second deeper discussion that included money-talk with the firm in Dearborn.

I know how important it is for me and my partner, assuming that to be my fate, to be out and open in all facets of my life. It was a small contention for both Brian and I individually and as a couple. So I was working to correct that for us and now, for myself and whatever the future may hold for me.
__________________________________

So I reinstated my Yahoo Personals profile. It's been a bit nuts. Looks like a few possibilities, as some 20 yr olds again. I'm not sure I can go there right off - I'm not sure if I'm ready for any of it.
__________________________________

Peace.

Single

I spent most of the night sitting 3 feet away from the railroad tracks contemplating the futility of it all. I had never loved before this, that is so very obvious now. 8 trains blew past and the power of it over came my despair.

I just came home from the longest ride (cycle) I've done since I competed in college. 5 hours and about 80 miles. From here to past-Winder and back. I was essentially shaking my fist at God, daring him to strike me down; abusing my body, burning the pain from my mind. I think I may need to go get pumped full of fluids again but it's all good. I feel better and God and I had a long long discussion about all the bullshit - most of it on my part, maybe all of it.

I feel cleansed. I'm not sure if I'm moving on or just in denial but either way I'm not where I was. Like I said last night before I died, I'm not sure what tomorrow has in store for me, no less what the next hour may bring. One thing is certain, I'll be there until the last second.

Thank you all for your words and support - I've been a mess recently and time off from the dating thing might be best. I'm not going to go looking for a relationship.

I pray that Brian can find happiness on the path he's chosen. I can't guarantee my heart will still be around. I love him deeply still and would likely consider being together with him again but either way I'll always try to be there for him as a friend.

Many of you are shaking your head at me having been through relationships that didn't work, that hurt. But you all know my story or should by now. Laurie and I were together since I was 17. She was the last girlfriend I had in a line of constant girlfriends dating back to when I was 11. So I've never felt pain. Even my divorce and coming out, while painful in many ways, doesn't nearly compare to this. So I understand a bit better why people would occasionally cyber-bitch-slap me at times.

This has hardened me. Like so many of you seem to have been hardened, jaded. My sorrow is really now for the next person in my life. I hope I can love as deeply; that I can dive in so blindly. Before I was like a child who didn't know the fear of playing with matches. Now that I'm good and burned I have a much greater respect, and maybe fear, of the whole idea. I'll apologize now to the next guy for that.

Peace friends.