putting it out there

I'm writing this here because well, I only have one follower here since moving a lot of my entries over from LiveJournal and I really don't want a bunch of pitty. Perhaps down the road this entry will be important or perhaps mark a moment in time. Who knows.

I've been fighting off some serious headaches for the past 2+ months. And I don't get headaches. We're talking about a searing white hot bolt of lightning centered on the right side of my head that at times can drop me to my knees and others wake me from a dead sleep. And the strange part is they rarely last more than a few minutes with the longest lasting a few hours.

I don't have health insurance and between my fledgling business and basic existence every cent I have is spoken for. What few prescriptions I have are long exhausted and I hadn't been to the doctors in over a year. Doctors cost money and it just didn't seem like a good use of limited resources.

Short end of it is I finally called my doctor to get a refill on a blood pressure med he had prescribed for me a while back. I had some borderline BP issues and he thought it would be a good idea - one of the scripts I let lag. Having not been to see my doctor in over a year he asked that I come in for a visit. Elevated BP can certainly cause headaches and if nothing else I would get back on that script. Two weeks and $210 later ($110 just for the visit, $80 for an HIV screen - negative, $20 script) here I sit, still having these crazy headaches and with no options.

I pretty much had one of the worst events this evening prompting me to write this entry.

So what next? I'm just a guy making his way in a world where it appears I've fallen through the health care cracks. Starting to worry about what may be causing these events as I like to call them. Attacks sound so premeditated. But if the doctor's visit is $110 just to walk in the door I wonder what a CAT Scan might cost.

Thunder

Thunder has begun to echo off of the hills tonight and I want to write about it. Something inspiring. I want to talk about the cold damp air, the mist as it hangs between the houses and frames the streetlights in weary halos. The dogwood blossoms optimistically facing upwards, pelted by the random raindrops as the storm moves in.

But nothing will come; The words just won't come.

I use to rail in frustration just months ago as the inspiration, the ability to write fled from me; now I just rail at the antipathy I feel towards it all.

Where the words once would flow so fast from my mind, thought after thought in perfect order, I now am just determined, no not determined - resigned to simply flail words on the page in hopes of somehow piecing my thoughts together.