My 17th year...

My 17th year was perhaps the most defining of all of my years up to then or since until this past year. Sure there were moments of victory, glory, pain, sorrow, birth, death. That's life. But no other year until this past had witnessed more apparent pivotal moments than when I was 17.

The year was 1983, the year of the J Giles Band and Centerfold, Foreigner-4 and Juke Box Hero, going undefeated in varsity soccer only to loose out in the state playoffs to Jacksonville-Boles (I think). I was a senior in high school and in all honesty, it wasn't much different then any of the preceding years. I had always been popular with my older brother preceding me. Everyone knew me through him and it grew from there - to his consternation I'm sure. Christina was off at Brown and I really didn't have much contact with her which is sad - she would have been a great influence but was indeed too "grown up" to mess with a little HS boy like me.

That fall Laurie actually asked me out to the Sadie Hawken's dance. Even though I was casually dating Melissa (aka Super Tongue) I accepted and soon there after began dating Laurie exclusively. Laurie was by no means popular and hung out mainly with the drama geeks. We got along fine I suppose, yet at the same time, perhaps because I knew inside who the real me was, I had my first same-sex experience with another boy my age, Michael. In that I found a pure confirmation of who I was on that side of things but was to find out who I was on a much deeper level soon enough.

Four months into dating Laurie she told me and her parents that she was five months pregnant (math time kids). So without a doubt the child was not mine but it struck me very clearly what this likely meant for Laurie. You see, growing up in ultra-affluent Naples Florida you just didn't see teenage mothers. That was something that happened in Miami, in the inner city. Not in whiteville. And without a doubt, Laurie's life was at a crossroads, as was mine. She faced ostracism, ridicule, alienation - hell for her last two years of high school and who knows what should he self esteem survive that. So very clearly I stepped forward and claimed Kimberly as my own child - even though she was in no was possibly mine (math remember). And it's certainly not because we were not sexually active, I lost my virginity at age 13.

I guess I did this consciously for two reasons and I'm not sure my altruism should be extolled so much. The fact is I was still hiding my sexuality. Both it from people and me from it. And what better way. But also, perhaps as a supreme rationalization, I knew that if Kimberly, Laurie's unborn daughter was seen to be mine, then Laurie and Kimberly would be accepted into our shallow High School world. I was popular - criminally so - not a jock or whatever, but someone everyone wanted to know and party with.

Neither of our sets of parents could understand why I would claim Kimberly. Just didn't understand the High School social dynamic I guess. But We/I finally forced them to understand the severity of my wish that they keep this to themselves. And without question we received hell from a few teachers. In fact, an English teacher I looked up to quite a bit prevented me from receiving an academic student honor one month - and I'm certain it's because he didn't approve of me. He died a very early death but I can still remember his smiling, approving face at my wedding reception when he shook my hand, a college graduate and fulfilling what I'm sure he saw as my duty as the father of this child.

The months came and went. We won the district soccer championship, I ran track, other things of little importance - yet the play was cast and the next 23 years were set into motion. When Kimberly was born I was unfortunately not there as I was participating in the State Jazz Band contest finals at the University of Miami. So many responsibilities have gotten in the way of life's real moments - yet I have no regrets here. Graduation came and I prepared to go off to Georgia Southern. I knew that I would marry Laurie, in spite of my true self. I knew I had made a commitment and that like everything else in my life, I would not quit once that commitment had been made. A small brown-eyed little girl depended on it.

You see, I'm not sure why for sure. I really don't think any of us knows why we choose the paths we do in life. Perhaps this path was a path I turned away from in a previous life (Buddhist, remember) or perhaps I just felt I knew that this thing was right.

Laurie had a happy and successful High school experience and went on to join me at Georgia Southern where together we finished out degrees, little girl in tow. There weren't a lot of college parties for me - but a lot of great ballet recitals and tender hugs. I wouldn't give any of that up - even in trade for the last 23 years of missed opportunities. Because the opportunities and realizations I had during those years defined me beginning with that one evening, so long ago, where I made that decision to be the man I am today.

So, that's the story. Condensed.

Peace.