putting it out there

I'm writing this here because well, I only have one follower here since moving a lot of my entries over from LiveJournal and I really don't want a bunch of pitty. Perhaps down the road this entry will be important or perhaps mark a moment in time. Who knows.

I've been fighting off some serious headaches for the past 2+ months. And I don't get headaches. We're talking about a searing white hot bolt of lightning centered on the right side of my head that at times can drop me to my knees and others wake me from a dead sleep. And the strange part is they rarely last more than a few minutes with the longest lasting a few hours.

I don't have health insurance and between my fledgling business and basic existence every cent I have is spoken for. What few prescriptions I have are long exhausted and I hadn't been to the doctors in over a year. Doctors cost money and it just didn't seem like a good use of limited resources.

Short end of it is I finally called my doctor to get a refill on a blood pressure med he had prescribed for me a while back. I had some borderline BP issues and he thought it would be a good idea - one of the scripts I let lag. Having not been to see my doctor in over a year he asked that I come in for a visit. Elevated BP can certainly cause headaches and if nothing else I would get back on that script. Two weeks and $210 later ($110 just for the visit, $80 for an HIV screen - negative, $20 script) here I sit, still having these crazy headaches and with no options.

I pretty much had one of the worst events this evening prompting me to write this entry.

So what next? I'm just a guy making his way in a world where it appears I've fallen through the health care cracks. Starting to worry about what may be causing these events as I like to call them. Attacks sound so premeditated. But if the doctor's visit is $110 just to walk in the door I wonder what a CAT Scan might cost.

Thunder

Thunder has begun to echo off of the hills tonight and I want to write about it. Something inspiring. I want to talk about the cold damp air, the mist as it hangs between the houses and frames the streetlights in weary halos. The dogwood blossoms optimistically facing upwards, pelted by the random raindrops as the storm moves in.

But nothing will come; The words just won't come.

I use to rail in frustration just months ago as the inspiration, the ability to write fled from me; now I just rail at the antipathy I feel towards it all.

Where the words once would flow so fast from my mind, thought after thought in perfect order, I now am just determined, no not determined - resigned to simply flail words on the page in hopes of somehow piecing my thoughts together.

And So It Goes

I just watched Brokeback Mountain again. I can still remember the first time I saw it with my LJ buddy Mark. We met up in San Francisco the weekend it came out.

I hate that movie. I mean, I like it but hate it at the same time. It's the last scene where Heath Ledger's character is all alone in his tiny little place - all alone. I feel the way my life has gone this past few years that last scene might just be mine.
_______________________________
I've been dealing with depression lately. Sleeping 12-14 hours a day, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. So much going on but so much not happening; job hunt, trying to earn a living on the side, the economy not helping either... and being alone.
_______________________________
I've been self destructive when it comes to the relationship thing. I just keep pushing guys away. And maybe that's good. I don't seem to attract the best sort. Or maybe I just have higher standards for myself. A lot of coke heads; one guy who is into meth, or guys who just want to fuck. But a few were/are really amazing and again I'm on the brink of pushing a couple more away. I rationalize that I don't want to put some guy in the middle of this mess I call my life. But that's self destructive. It may also be just me protecting my heart.
_______________________________
I need to get out and mingle. I need to quit keeping these guys at arm's length.

Citizens

I imagine it's true that the gay community must define itself, must set itself apart and stake a claim in the public sphere, much as the African American community did during its civil rights struggle. And the forms with which that definition takes on, how the gay community stakes this claim follow in practice and form. But just following form, practicing the same practices is not enough to ensure success.

But one real roadblock, one mountainous challenge exists that I feel has yet to be addressed and may well be proving itself to be a major reason why the issue of civil rights for gay and lesbians can not and will not achieve a valorized station in the public sphere; that is, the greater gay and lesbian community continues, in more cases than not, to demonstrate and provide political spectacle in a way that is un-relatable to the majority of Americans.

While unfortunate, the fact remains that the Gay and Lesbian community PRIDEs itself in how it differs. And while there are wonderful intellectual arguments for any one groups’ right and responsibility to celebrate their uniqueness, the spectacle of flamboyantly pushing sexuality, in any form, is not viewed by those who own the public sphere as normal.

The African American community throughout the depression and into the early days of the Civil Rights Movement were seen by the majority of White America as outsiders. These people characterized in media and film as poor, different, ape like; less-than human. So the thought of extending basic rights, human rights was not so much foreign but rarely even considered. But as the dawn of the Civil Rights Movement crested upon our nation a new light shown upon this community; a light revealing in the media a real human existence. The existence of a God fearing people with lives, families, hopes and dreams not unlike that of White America – the then dominant voice in the public and political sphere. Sans the color of their skin, the African American community demonstrated and provided spectacle showing themselves to be the “same-as” those who already enjoyed Civil Rights.

While the gay and lesbian community desperately wishes to parallel their struggle with that of the African American in the twentieth century they can not do so as long as they do not, on some real level, provide a fundamental foundation that allows the general public to identify with them. Network entertainment has helped to some degree with shows such a Will & Grace and Queer as Folk but still, by showing a very real and sensationalist side of Gay life – the character of the “flamboyant” gay man (Jack - Will & Grace) or the seedy nightlife at Queer as Folks’ Babylon nightclub - miss the mark, especially when they emphasize these aspects of Gay Culture instead of the more normative side of life for many Gay and Lesbians. A real challenge for Gay America but one in which the struggle must come to grips with.

A past aquantience's description of the 2004 fall protest at the Georgia State Capital is an excellent example of how providing the spectacle of family, church, and a more publicly normative gay community helps to silence opposition groups. When those you oppose demonstrate the same values, look the same, and are presented as “normal” members of society, those members of the public who might otherwise disregard the gay and lesbian community’s right to exist, based solely on their inability to identify with them, now begin to see these people not as outsiders but as citizens in a classical Roman sense. That is, as part of their own public and political sphere – Citizens.

Be romantically self destructive with me

pablo : :

Lets become destructively innocent together
lets break each other's hearts
let's kiss our lips dry until the dawn
let's fall asleep in each other's arms

Picasso once said
"What's the point of doing anything
if you only know how it's gonna end up?"
Picasso the painted puts us in our place

Be romantically self destructive with me

Let's pretend we really know each other
Let's pretend that we're not just doing this for ourselves
Don't you know that you're the most important person in your life

Be romantically self destructive with me

Don't think too hard tonight
Don't feel any guilt by holding me
Don't overanalyze the situation
Picasso is right

Adeo sic velox

rushing forward at the speed of light
fleeting, feeling the warmth of the sun
hurling earthward, spiraling to my doom
i am Icarus

What I've been up to

So I've been on sabbatical for the last 6 months or so and honestly it's been amazing. I'm very centered and happy and have been busier now than I was before. not sure how that works but it's how it is.

So anyway, I've gotten into doing short films and filming some of my friends who do drag. If you are interested go check out my YouTube channel at Christopher Scott's YouTube.