I hate that movie. I mean, I like it but hate it at the same time. It's the last scene where Heath Ledger's character is all alone in his tiny little place - all alone. I feel the way my life has gone this past few years that last scene might just be mine.
I've been dealing with depression lately. Sleeping 12-14 hours a day, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. So much going on but so much not happening; job hunt, trying to earn a living on the side, the economy not helping either... and being alone.
I've been self destructive when it comes to the relationship thing. I just keep pushing guys away. And maybe that's good. I don't seem to attract the best sort. Or maybe I just have higher standards for myself. A lot of coke heads; one guy who is into meth, or guys who just want to fuck. But a few were/are really amazing and again I'm on the brink of pushing a couple more away. I rationalize that I don't want to put some guy in the middle of this mess I call my life. But that's self destructive. It may also be just me protecting my heart.
I need to get out and mingle. I need to quit keeping these guys at arm's length.
